


Love's Recovery

by Grayson_179



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 22:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15738387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grayson_179/pseuds/Grayson_179
Summary: Sequel to Love's Discovery - takes place following Lena and Monte's kiss in 2.21. Stef and Lena have to face the fact that their relationship is in jeopardy. Can they overcome their challenges? Do they want to?





	1. Chapter 1

Love’s Recovery 

_And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast_

_To the slim chance of love's recovery._

Indigo Girls - “Love’s Recovery”

 

“Mom?  I messed up,” Lena said into the phone.  She paced the halls of an empty house, taking advantage of a moment alone to confess her sins to someone who would give her an unpleasant - but needed - reality check. 

“What happened, honey?  Do you need me to dispose of the body?”  Dana laughed at her own joke, but Lena was too anxious to find it funny.

“Things haven’t been so great with Stef lately,” she started.

“Oh, no.  You didn’t.  I thought I raised you better than that,” Dana interrupted.

“You remember how Stef and I got together, right?  That ship has sailed.” If Lena was going to wallow in her guilt, she was going to do it completely.

“Tell me what happened - just spit it out and we’ll figure out how to fix it.”

“My boss kissed me.”

“Wow, when you go for complicated, you don’t mess around,” Dana commented. “What do I always say?  Criticize your partner in private and compliment them in public.”

_Maybe this was a bad idea._  “Right, so I didn’t take your advice, and now I’m trying to figure out what to do.  I’m not happy, Mom. Stef doesn’t talk to me - she’s making questionable decisions that negatively affect our family, and we’re fighting more than we’re not.  I can’t go on like this.”

“Oh.”  Dana seemed stunned into silence.  “You’re not asking for advice on how to get Stef to forgive you - you’re thinking of leaving her.”

Hearing it so starkly made Lena’s stomach twist, but she couldn’t deny it.  “Yes, that’s one possibility.”

Dana recovered quickly.  “Let me walk you through the reality of separating and parenting three kids.”

“Five,” Lena interrupted.

“You have no rights to Brandon.  It would be his choice whether or not to maintain a relationship with you.  Do you think he would be happy with the woman who broke his biological mother’s heart?”

“I stepped up for him when his dad messed up - I’ve been as much his parent as Mike has, if not more.” Lena couldn’t imagine Brandon not being her son.

Dana’s tone was mild.  “Of course you have. But he’s a moody teenager, and they’re not known for making the most rational of decisions.”

Lena was afraid to ask her next question.  “That accounts for one of the kids you subtracted.  Who’s the other?”

“You and Stef are in the process of adopting Callie. You can’t do that jointly if you’re not together.  In fact, I imagine your foster license would be in jeopardy, and she might have to move out. That poor girl will be disappointed yet again.”

Lena felt sick at the thought, but she didn’t speak.  Dana was content to continue to paint a vivid picture.

“Do you remember what it was like for Stef with Brandon when you met them?  Parenting just one child alone was challenging. That’s part of why you moved in so quickly, isn’t it?  Just imagine having to take care of three kids by yourself every other week. How disruptive would that be for them, not to mention how stressful it would be for you?”

Lena pictured the kitchen each morning, the delicate dance she and Stef conducted, each of them doing their part to ensure everyone ate their breakfast and had a lunch to take with them, the way they negotiated the squabbles over the shower and still managed to get out of the house on time.  She couldn’t imagine the same scene as the only adult.

Still, it wasn’t that simple.  “My relationship with Stef is crumbling, and I’m not sure we can fix it.  So, what, I should just stay and be unhappy for the sake of the kids?”

Of course her mother had an answer.  “No, you should work on being happy again - not just for the kids, but for yourself and for Stef.  You both deserve the best. Do you think I’ve been happy with your father every moment of our marriage?”

Lena assumed this was a rhetorical question, but she pondered it all the same.  Her parents had always seemed like a model couple, but she knew there were times her mother got irritated with her father’s passivity and her father got frustrated with her mother’s strong personality.  Maybe there was even more under the surface that they had managed to keep from her.

Dana continued, “Of course not.  But I always kept our relationship my top priority, and I saw the bad times as temporary.  I knew our commitment to each other was stronger than any fleeting issue. Let me ask you a question - do you love your boss?”

Lena hesitated.  Whatever was going on with Monte wasn’t love, but the attention was flattering.  “No, but…”

“But she listens to you and sympathizes with your side of things and makes you feel special?” Dana filled in the blank.

“Yes,” Lena admitted.

“That’s your wife’s job.  And if she hasn’t been doing it, you need to tell her that and make the time to rebuild things.  While you’re at it, you need to check yourself to make sure you’re doing your part to provide the same for her.  Can you honestly say you’ve held up your end of things?”

Lena considered how much she hadn’t told Stef, how she had quickly criticized her wife’s decisions without listening to Stef’s rationale.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Have you told Stef about this kiss?”

Lena hedged.  “Well, no. There hasn’t been a good time, with the car accident and making sure Ana and her baby are settled at her parents’ house.  And it’s not going to happen again. It was just a stupid little thing. Besides, it’s not like I kissed her - she’s the one who initiated it.”

Dana chuckled.  “Those are all excellent excuses, darling.  There will never be a right time - if you put it off, you’ll always keep finding reasons not to tell her.  And your problems will continue. Even if you try to work on things, you’ll have this secret getting in the way.  Do you want to work on things? Or do you want to walk away?”

Lena paused her pacing, took a deep breath, and let it out.  She loved Stef, she just didn’t love what was happening in their relationship.  But her mom was right - this could be temporary if she and Stef changed course.

“I want to work on things.”

“Good.  Then work on things.  Remember, you should love Stef for who she is, not in spite of it.  I know she’s protective and headstrong, but you knew that when you chose to be with her.”

_Did I?_  Lena thought back to the beginning of her relationship with Stef.  The woman she met and fell in love with was tentative in some ways, not always confident outside of work.  It was in those first few years of embracing who she was that Stef became more sure of herself.

“I’ll tell her tonight, no matter what.  Thanks for talking with me, Mom. This was hard to hear, but it helped.”

“I’m so glad you called.  I hate that you’re going through this, but I believe in you.  I know you can work this out.”

“I hope you’re right.”  

“Tell Jesus I hope his broken foot heals quickly, and I’m sorry he had to postpone Flintwood.”

“I will.  He’s pretty disappointed, but after such a scare I can’t say I’m sorry he’s home.”

“I understand.  I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

*****

Lena’s head spun.  Stef was kissing her neck, while her hand slipped under Lena’s shirt.  It felt incredible, but her accelerated heart rate had as much to do with her guilt as it did with her arousal.  

Lena had every intention of confessing when she closed the door to their bedroom that night.  But Stef had looked at her with a softness she hadn’t seen in months and had pulled her down onto the bed.  Why did Stef choose this of all the nights to do more than grunt good night and go right to sleep?

She was torn, wanting so badly to let things continue.  Maybe they could work things out without Stef ever knowing about the kiss.  Maybe Stef was changing, and everything would be fine. Maybe Stef would be the one to leave her if she found out what happened, and this would be the last chance Lena would have to be with her like this.

Stef’s hand moved lower, and Lena stiffened.

“Monte kissed me,” Lena blurted out.

Stef rolled off of Lena, a stricken look in her eyes.  “What?” was all she managed.

Having begun the conversation with no plan, Lena wasn’t sure what to say next.  “It was nothing - it just happened. We were talking at work a couple of weeks ago and she kissed me.”

Stef narrowed her eyes.  “Kisses between married lesbians and their ostensibly straight bosses don’t ‘just happen.’  And you wouldn’t have that guilty look on your face if it was nothing.”

Lena looked away.  She took a breath to say something, but there was no point in denying Stef’s statement.  She sighed and shrugged.

Lena’s apathy sparked anger in Stef, who had been too stunned up to that point to fully react.  “You cheat on me, and all you can do is shrug?”

Stef sat up and pulled a pillow onto her lap.  Anything to create distance between her and Lena.  Her tone became sarcastic. “‘Oops, honey, I kissed another woman.  It was nothing, just a violation of the marriage vows we took a year ago.  Just a betrayal of the twelve years we’ve been together. No biggie.’ Am I supposed to just shrug too, and sleep with you like normal?”

Lena sat up as well.  “No, I want us to talk about this,” she started, but Stef wouldn’t let her finish.

“Oh, so you do want to talk about it?  How was it? Were her lips soft? Did you make out for awhile?  Maybe fool around a bit?”

Lena flinched.  “No! She kissed me, and I pulled away.”

Stef gripped the pillow tightly, her knuckles white. “What was she doing so close to you that this could happen in the first place?  There’s no way I’m going to believe she has some out-of-nowhere crush on you and attacked you with her lips.”

“We were on her couch talking.  I was upset, and she gave me a hug.  When we pulled apart, she kissed me.”

Stef paused for a moment.  Her voice was quieter when she spoke again, the anger no longer present.  “What exactly were you so upset about? I have a feeling it wasn’t the latest in curriculum development.”

Lena was mute yet again, her expression sad.

“I see.  It was me.”  Lena’s face confirmed it, and Stef’s anger returned.  “You were spilling your guts to your boss, complaining about how terrible your wife is, and she couldn’t help but feel sympathy for you.”

Lena sat up straight and finally fired back.  “You may not be kissing Mike, but you’re so far into his business it feels like you’re still married to him.”

Stef was confused.  “What the heck does Mike have to do with any of this?”

“Probably the same thing Monte does - in the end, nothing.”

“Nothing?  What are you talking about?”

“Us.  I’m talking about us.  Things haven’t been good between us for awhile, and Monte and Mike are just symptoms of it.”

“What do you mean things haven’t been good?  I know it’s been a little rough lately, but there’s been a lot going on, with five kids and all their drama -”

Lena cut her off.  “Are you happy?”

Stef hesitated.

“That’s what I thought,” Lena replied.

“Clearly you’re not happy.”  Stef was back on the offensive.

Lena’s eyes were fiery.  “Honestly? No, I’m not. You’ve shut me out lately.  You’re off making huge decisions that impact our entire family, and you don’t talk to me about them.  You obsess about every decision your ex-husband makes, and you blackmail Robert, work to get Callie emancipated, and move Ana into our house, all without cluing me in.”

That was a pretty long list.  But Stef wasn’t going to stay on the defensive.  “So it’s my fault you’re out kissing another woman?  You’re not happy with me, so it’s okay to go off and find happiness with someone else?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.  I was honest with you. I want to deal with this.”

Stef wasn’t appeased.  “You want points for honesty?  You kiss someone else, and I’m supposed to be happy because at least you told me about it?  I can’t believe, with everything this family has been through, that you would -”

“I’m sorry.”  

Stef stopped her rant.

Lena continued, “I’m sorry I let it get this far.  I’m sorry I got close to Monte when I wasn’t happy at home.  I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Stef’s face fell, and she couldn’t help the tears that came to her eyes.  The anger dissipated into sadness, and she let the realization that her marriage was in trouble wash over her.  “What are we going to do?”

“We should go to marriage counseling.  We need professional help.” Lena felt in over her head. Her tentative efforts to communicate with Stef up to that point hadn’t worked, and she wasn’t sure what to try next.

Stef tried to keep the bitterness out of her tone as she responded.  “We have five kids - we don’t have the time or money to go to counseling.”

Lena’s voice was tight.  “Then what do you suggest?”

Stef threw up her hands.  “I don’t know? Can we just buy a book or something?  There’s got to be something out there that can help us that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg that we can do at home in what little spare time we have.”

It wasn’t Lena’s preference, but she decided if it failed she’d have more ammunition to advocate for going to therapy.  “Fine. We’ll find a book. But this is serious. You - we - have to commit to this.”

“Like we committed to love each other faithfully?  Yeah, I can do that.” Stef was reeling, yet she had enough self-control not to make things worse in this moment.  There were so many nasty things she could think of to say - wasn’t she the wronged party? - but if she did she wouldn’t be able to take them back.  She refused to even consider the possibility that she and Lena could break up, and the momentary satisfaction of landing a verbal blow wasn’t worth it.  

Lena chose not to rise to the bait.  “Let’s just go to sleep. We can figure out our next step tomorrow.”

“Fine, I’ll build the pillow wall.”

*****

Lena wasn’t sure when she’d last felt so on edge.  In the weeks since the kiss with Monte, she had avoided her boss as much as possible.  She and Stef had barely spoken in the two days since her admission, and trying not to let the tension show in front of the kids was a strain.  Finally, it was the weekend, and while the kids were all out and about she and Stef had agreed to try to select a book to help them work on their relationship.

“We’re putting an awful lot of pressure on this book,” Stef commented as they sat close enough on the couch to see the laptop without actually touching each other.

“Let’s not overdo it.  The main thing is we’re committing to consciously work on our relationship. The book is just a tool to assist us.”  Lena’s words belied her continuing fear that nothing could save their marriage.

“Right.”  Stef typed “marriage counseling book” into Google and awaited the results.  They appeared to be mainly textbooks aimed at psychology students.

“Maybe try ‘relationship self-help book’?” Lena suggested.

Stef looked like she wanted to say something but kept her mouth shut and typed it in.  This time the results seemed geared toward unhappy individuals.

Lena rolled her eyes as she looked down at what Stef typed next - “help me save my marriage.”

“Christiancouples.com?  Fox News resources? I think not.  Here, let me have the laptop.”

Stef wordlessly passed the computer, but her expression was skeptical.

Lena typed “lesbian relationship book,” and this time the results were more promising.

“‘How to Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Partner’ - wordy title, but at least it’s strengths-based,” Lena commented.

“‘Loving Lesbians: Exploring the Uniqueness of Female Relationships’ - good grief.”  Stef was unimpressed.

After a few minutes of clicking on options, they settled on “Grounded: a Guide to Re-establishing Your Foundation.”

“Apparently all the titles are wordy.  They’re probably going to want us to process a bunch, huh?”  Stef hated processing.

“We’re probably due for a little processing,” Lena pointed out.

“Probably,” Stef acknowledged.  “What do we do between now and when it arrives?  Continue to avoid each other in the same house?”

“Is that what you want?”  Lena was trying to give Stef the space she needed, for the moment.  As much as Lena wanted to jump into addressing their issues, she knew her kiss with Monte was still the thing Stef was focusing on.  Lena wanted the support of an external resource to help them tackle the myriad other issues they needed to work through.

“Yes.  No. I don’t know.  Let’s just try to not make things worse, how about that?  We don’t have to avoid each other completely, but let’s just call a truce on the heavy stuff.”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“Will you read into it if I go for a run right now?” Stef asked, standing up.

Lena smiled ruefully.  “I’ll try not to. Go, blow off some steam.”  She waved her hand at Stef and slumped back against the couch.

*****

Apparently, they weren’t doing a great job of keeping their tension from the kids.  Thirty seconds into driving Callie home from work, Stef had to field her very blunt question: “Are you and Lena getting a divorce?”

Stef wanted to immediately deny it, or ask Callie why she thought that.  But she knew why, and she respected the young woman too much to brush off the inquiry.  At the same time, she didn’t want to bring a teenager into her parents’ drama.

She paused so long, choosing her words, that Callie filled the silence.  “I got nominated to ask. Jesus and Mariana were chickens. And Brandon said there was no way it was a possibility.  Poor Jude has been cleaning everything he can think of in an effort to be helpful, as though that has anything to do with your issues.  Everyone knows he’s already the good kid.”

Stef couldn’t help laughing.  “Is that why the floors are always shining lately?  What a sweet kid.” She sobered. “I’m sorry we’ve let this affect you guys.”

Callie pressed, “You still haven’t answered my question.”

Stef gripped the steering wheel tighter than necessary.  “I want to say ’no.’ As much for you guys as for me. But I can’t predict the future.  What I can promise you is that Lena and I will work as hard as possible to fix whatever’s not working between us and to make sure you guys all know how much we love you.  This has nothing to do with any of you - sometimes couples have troubles, and Lena and I are no different.”

She glanced over at Callie to see how she responded.  The girl looked a little less tense, but her hands were still twisted together in her lap.  

“I know it’s scary when your parents fight.  I’m so sorry this is making you guys worry.”

Callie still looked a bit skeptical, but she nodded.

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

*****

Building the pillow wall had become automatic.  Stef still felt the sting of Lena’s betrayal, even if she understood rationally that Lena hadn’t exactly cheated on her.  The emotional connection Lena had clearly forged with her boss hurt at least as much as the kiss.

“We need to say something to the kids about what’s going on between us.  They’re worried,” Stef said to Lena as she placed the last pillow.

Lena’s forehead wrinkled.  “You want to involve the kids in our marital issues?  Let me guess - you want a chance to paint me as the cheating harlot so they’ll be on your side.”

Stef put up her hands.  “Whoa. That’s awfully harsh, don’t you think?  Or is that the guilt talking?”

Lena looked away as Stef continued, “Apparently, Callie got nominated to ask me if we’re getting a divorce.  I don’t want their information about what’s going on to be filtered through an anxious teenager.”

“What did you tell her?” Lena asked.

“I said we were working on things, that we loved them, and that this isn’t about them.”

Lena couldn’t find any fault with that.  But she still tried. “So now you’re all for openness and honesty?  You sneak around gathering intel on Callie’s birth father and trying to get her emancipated, but suddenly you want to communicate openly?”

Stef was taken aback.  “You don’t actually disagree with what I’m suggesting - you just want to stay mad at me.  I’m trying to do the right thing for our family.”

Lena tried to keep her voice down, but it still felt like she was yelling.  “That’s always your excuse - that you’re protecting us. But that allows you to do whatever you want without input from anyone else.  That way no one can tell you it’s wrong. You shut me out when I’m supposed to be your partner. I can’t live like that.”

“I’m not shutting you out now!  It’s not like I called a meeting with the kids and spilled my guts about our problems without talking to you.  Why are you mad about this? I’m trying to do the right thing.”

Lena’s shoulders sagged.  She wasn’t really mad about Stef’s suggestion.  It was actually a very good idea. If she were totally honest with herself, she’d have to admit she was mad - maybe even jealous - that Stef was willing to be so open with the kids, when she’d spent so much time recently not communicating with her.  Now that Lena had let Stef know how serious their problems were, she couldn’t seem to stop herself from bringing them up.

“You’re right.  We should talk to the kids.  I’m not mad about that.”

“Okay.  Can we save what you’re really mad about for when the book comes?  I thought we agreed to table the big stuff until then.”

“Fine,” was all Lena said before turning off the light getting into bed.  She faced away from Stef, her body as far towards the edge as it could be without her falling off.

Having vented, Lena managed to fall asleep relatively quickly.  But Stef lay awake on the other side of the mountain of pillows, trying to make sense of the evening.  She hated that the kids had not only noticed what was happening with her and Lena but had also been so upset about it that they made Callie ask about it.

On top of that, Lena’s anger and frustration had been so clear Stef finally had to face how threatened their marriage was.  The kids had seen it. Stef had just chosen to pretend it wasn’t that serious. She was mad enough at Lena for kissing Monte, but ending their relationship had never crossed her mind.  Lena, though, clearly had a great deal of negative feelings she was just getting started letting out.

_I can’t live like that_ echoed in Stef’s mind.  It sounded like Lena had thought about getting out, had seriously considered leaving.  The implications were more than Stef could imagine, and she had been through them once before.  

Poor Callie - she had understood.  No wonder she was so anxious. If Stef and Lena broke up, there was no way she could be adopted by them.  There wouldn’t even be a custody issue. Stef knew she had to fight for her relationship, if only for the kids’ sake.  She just didn’t have a clue where to start.

_That book had better be amazing._


	2. Chapter 2

Stef looked around at five serious faces.  Jesus and Mariana sat next to each other on the couch.  Jesus was fidgeting nervously, and Mariana kept trying to still his hands.  Jude took up the third seat on the couch. He stared at his shoes, not making eye contact.  Callie sat on the floor, the most relaxed of all of them. Brandon leaned in the doorway, his denial manifesting as feigned nonchalance.  The thought of him having to go through a second parental divorce made Stef even more resolved to fix things.

She and Lena hadn’t chosen the best seating arrangement to communicate their message.  They faced off in opposite chairs on either side of the couch.  _ Oh well, it was too late to change things. _

“Thanks for coming to our family meeting,” Stef started.  It felt too formal. She blew out a breath and leaned her arms onto her thighs.  She looked each kid in the eye, giving them as sincere of a smile as she could manage.  

“You all know Mama and I have been having some issues lately, and we’re sorry we let that affect you guys.  We wanted to let you know how much we love you and how important our whole family is to us. Mama and I promise we’re going to work on our stuff, and we don’t want you to be scared or blame yourselves. This is just something grown-ups sometimes go through, and none of it is your fault.”

If Lena hadn’t been so mad at Stef in general, she would have appreciated how great Stef was with the kids, how apparent her caring was for them.  As it was, she just felt like the villain. Stef hadn’t said anything that placed blame on Lena, but Lena felt like the kids judged her all the same.  She watched them nod at Stef, then turn expectantly to her.

“Mom’s right,” she told them.  “We love you so much, and we’re sorry if we made you worry.  We’re not going to tell you a bunch of grown-up details, but we want to give you a chance to say anything you want to to us, or to ask us any questions.”

The kids glanced around at each other, silently communicating.  Callie shrugged. Mariana looked like she had a million questions but didn’t know which one to ask.  Finally, it was Jude who spoke.

“If you get divorced, does that mean you can’t adopt Callie?”

Lena and Stef finally made eye contact.  This was the elephant in the room they hadn’t had the guts to bring up to each other.  Stef couldn’t bring herself to answer the question honestly, so she deflected.

“Mama and I are still moving ahead with Callie’s adoption.  We’re not going to do anything to jeopardize it.”

Lena knew it was irrational, but this angered her even more than Stef’s good behavior the past two days.  How could Stef make that guarantee - didn’t she see that she couldn’t make that promise?  _ More misguided “protecting” people _ .

Jesus piped up before Lena could say anything.  “We got more worried when you stopped fighting and just quit talking altogether - we thought it meant you had given up.”

The kids would apparently make good detectives.  Stef didn’t give them enough credit for how much attention they paid to her and Lena.  She was even more determined to shield them from the effects of their marital issues.

“Actually, that was when we committed to working on things.  We just wanted to wait until we had some help,” Stef replied.

“Are you going to therapy?” Mariana asked.

Lena raised an eyebrow at Stef and didn’t speak.

“No, not exactly,” Stef hedged.  “We’ve ordered a book that has exercises we can do to help our relationship.”  Putting it that way sounded as lame as she imagined Lena believed it to be.

For some reason this made Brandon laugh.  Stef wanted to chalk it up to redirected anxiety, but it still irritated her.  Lena just looked smug.

“Do you have something to say, Brandon?” Stef asked.

He pulled himself together and shook his head.  “Nope, sorry. I just know you’re not a big reader.”

Stef glared at him but let it go.  “Okay, does anyone else have any questions?”

All five kids shook their heads.  After what she thought was a pretty solid start, Stef had no idea how to finish this.  She didn’t want to repeat her party line pep talk, but it felt odd to just let things go on that note.

She looked desperately at Lena, who looked annoyed but came to her rescue.

“Things aren’t going to change overnight, so if you have any questions in the future, I want you all to feel free to ask us.  Whatever happens between Mom and me, we’ll always be a family.” 

She reached over and rubbed Jude’s back.  He gave her a weak smile in return. “Okay, now go finish up your homework.”

Stef and the kids filed out of the room, Jesus hobbling on his crutches, but Brandon lingered.

“Mama?  I’m sorry I laughed.  It’s just that I know how Mom feels about therapy.  I’m impressed you got her to agree to this book thing.”

Lena appreciated Brandon’s support, but she didn’t feel comfortable commiserating with him about Stef’s tendency to avoid talking about feelings.  She also felt a twinge of guilt that he seemed to assume their issues were Stef’s fault. She might want to think it, but it wasn’t fair to give the kids that impression.  The previous night she had insisted Stef not communicate the opposite to the kids, and she felt like Stef had been fair in her statements at the family meeting. 

“It’s okay.  Mom and I have both let other things get in the way of our marriage and we’re going to do whatever it takes to get back on track.”

She turned to go, but Brandon put his hand on her arm. 

“For whatever it’s worth, I want you to know that you’ll always be my mom.  For as long as I can remember, you’ve been my parent, and nothing could ever change that.”

Lena wanted to just accept his comment, but she had to know.  Her conversation with her mother lingered in her mind. 

“Even if Mom and I can’t work this out?”  She couldn’t bring herself to say the D-word.

Brandon’s brow furrowed momentarily, but he quickly responded.  “I don’t actually have memories of Mom and Dad when they were together.  They separated when I was four, and I remember him moving out, but I just can’t seem to picture when we were all living together.  I remember a bit of when it was just Mom and me, but mostly, my life has had you in it.”

Lena pulled Brandon into a hug.  “Thank you for telling me that. I never wanted to make you feel like I was trying to take your dad’s place, but I’ve always thought of you as my son.”

She stepped back and held Brandon at arm’s length, pride in her eyes.

“I know,” he responded.  “And I’ve always appreciated it.  Well, I probably had my moments of being a jerk, but you’ve always been there for me.  I know things got complicated after my dad got it together and wanted to be a parent again, and you were so gracious about it.”

Brandon headed towards the stair but commented over his shoulder, “Don’t let Mom screw this up.  She’d be an idiot to let you go.”

Lena couldn’t let him leave thinking this was Stef’s fault.  She had been so concerned he would take Stef’s side, and she was ashamed to have been so wrong.

“Brandon?” she called.

“Yeah?” He turned back towards her.

“Don’t blame your mom for this.  I’ve screwed some things up lately, and this is as much about me making amends as it is anything she’s done.”

Brandon looked surprised, as if all of a sudden he was taking this seriously.  He just nodded and ran up the stairs two at a time.

*****

Stef and Lena sat awkwardly next to each other at the foot of their bed.  They had decided on Saturday evenings as their self-directed therapy days, since the kids all tended to be busy then.  The silence was uncomfortable, and Stef took a moment to absorb how awful the situation really was. Even when they were fighting, she and Lena had never been this distant from each other.  Jesus’s comment about the change in their behavior had scared her. Although she and Lena had agreed to wait to address their issues, their inability to talk about anything light until then was concerning.  They couldn’t even pretend things were fine. Stef wasn’t even entirely sure what had pushed Lena over the edge. She knew she had done questionable things without consulting Lena, but she didn’t see them as deal-breakers. Vow-breakers. 

At the same time, she had to acknowledge she wasn’t trying all that hard to make things right.  Lena pulled away, and Stef let her - that had to mean something. And not something good. Still, even thinking about the possibility of this not working wasn’t something Stef allowed herself to dwell on. 

“‘Chapter One: Ground Rules’ - I can see this is going to be a pattern,” Stef commented as she opened the book.  Or, THE BOOK, as she thought of it in her head. The thing that was going to determine her fate. “Most of the chapters have cutesy ‘ground’ references.”

“Nothing wrong with a theme,” Lena replied.  She wasn’t sure yet if she wanted to defend the book in the hope it would magically bring back her marital satisfaction or if she wanted it to fail so she could advocate for real professional help.   _ Or leave and be able to say I tried _ .  For the time being, she decided it was best to stick up for the book - if she joined Stef in mocking it they might both decide to give up before they even started.

“I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it,” Stef couldn’t help clarifying.

“Fine.  What are the ground rules?”

“‘Number one: use active listening skills.  When your partner is speaking, look into her eyes.  Nod your head to show you are paying attention. Use verbal cues to encourage her to continue speaking, but don’t interrupt.’”  

“I know what active listening is,” Lena interrupted.

Stef sighed and continued, “‘Number two: use behavior-based descriptions when talking about your partner’s actions - don’t generalize with statements like, “you always” or “you never”.  Number three: name your feelings and explain them. These can be combined into “When you...I feel…because...” statements. For example, one partner might say, “When you interrupt me, I feel frustrated because you don’t hear my full thought.”’”

Lena grabbed the book.  “Let me see that. There’s no way that was the real example.”

Stef looked smug.  “See for yourself.”

It was the real example.  Lena huffed. Even the book seemed to be on Stef’s side.  

Stef took the book back.  “‘Practice now with your partner.  We encourage you to use light examples so that you can learn the concept without getting into your issues.’  Okay, smartypants, whatcha got?”

Lena took a deep breath.  She was determined to give this a chance, so she put aside her irritation.  “When you make chocolate chip pancakes, I feel happy because they’re delicious.”

Stef smiled, and it wasn’t even forced.  “Thanks. My turn - when you rub my feet I feel relaxed because foot rubbing is relaxing.”

“I’m not sure tautologies count.”  Clearly Stef wasn’t taking this seriously.

“Fine.”  Stef looked away but tried again.  “When you rub my feet I feel relaxed because you touching me makes me feel connected to you.”

Lena wasn’t sure that one had quite followed the rules either, but she certainly wasn’t going to correct Stef again.  She studied Stef’s profile, allowing some tenderness to return. If she was serious about working on their relationship, she couldn’t just emotionlessly follow the rules.  She had to feel the positive alongside the negative and decide which was more predominant. Lately, all she had seen were the things that bothered her about Stef, but there was so much else that Lena needed to focus on, if she were going to be fair.

Stef glanced over at Lena but couldn’t read her expression.  This was at least as uncomfortable as she had assumed it would be.  She started reading again. “‘Number four: validate your partner’s feelings.  Acknowledge that what she feel is real to her and don’t try to rename her feelings or minimize them.’  That seems doable.”

“Is that it for the rules?  It feels like there should be more.”  Lena was looking for all the guidance she could get.

Stef flipped through the book.  “I think there are more instructions that are relevant to each chapter.  It says these are the basics for ‘fighting fair’ that are fundamental to good communication as we progress.  Apparently, we’re supposed to practice these between now and when we tackle the next chapter. Also, we’re supposed to start a journal so we can write down some of the things we might want to say but know we shouldn’t.”  

Lena let out a short laugh.  “It’s nice we’re allowed to channel our urges to fight dirty somewhere legitimate.”

“The book says that negative feelings are healthy - see how it’s validating us? - and that it’s okay to express them in writing.”  Stef paused a moment, then continued hesitantly. “It does say it’s best not to complain to friends or family members about your partner.  This is apparently not healthy and can lead to -”

“I know what it can lead to,” Lena admitted.  She couldn’t bear to hear the sentence finished.  She had to appreciate that Stef didn’t take this opportunity to get in an “I-told-you-so.”  

She changed the subject.  “Should I assume there’s not going to be a point at which we share our journals with each other?”

“Thankfully, no,” Stef’s smile was wry.  She could only imagine what Lena would write about her.  She definitely didn’t want to see it. “We’re supposed to feel safe being as honest with ourselves as possible.  In fact, it says we can ceremonially burn them when we’ve completed our journey.”

“Oh, good.  We’ll barbecue them in the back yard.”

Stef looked at Lena, and Lena realized what her statement had implied.  The hopefulness in Stef’s eyes made her uncomfortable. She broke eye contact and looked back at the book.

“Right.  So, is that it for chapter one?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it.  You can read it yourself if you want.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

*****

“Brandon tells me you and Lena are doing some kind of self-help couples counseling thing,” Mike commented to Stef as they ate lunch on a bench near their cruiser.  

“Brandon needs to keep his mouth shut,” Stef grumbled as she took a bite of her hamburger.  She’d like to be surprised her son would blab, but she supposed he deserved someone to talk to about it.

“Hey, don’t be mad at the kid.  I think he’s kind of freaked out.”  Mike stole one of Stef’s fries.

Stef whacked Mike on the arm.  “He’s freaked out? What about me?  I didn’t see this coming.” Maybe that wasn’t quite true - it really had been a rough few months - but Stef wasn’t one to blow her problems out of proportion.  

“If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.  I know our family’s a little unconventional, but I’m rooting for the two of you.  Heck, if you guys can’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

Stef had once thought the same thing about Jenna and Kelly, but they had fallen apart as slowly and quietly as Lena and she were disintegrating.  You never knew what was going on under the surface. Even in your own marriage.

“Thanks, Mike.  We’re trying to get back on track - doing some relationship exercises and stuff like that.”

“For what it’s worth, it says a lot that you’re trying.  You and I batted around the idea of counseling, but we never ended up bothering.  You and Lena have something worth fighting for.”

Stef crumpled her wrapper and tossed it into a nearby trash can.  “We do. I’ve done some dumb stuff lately, and I’m trying to be better.”

Mike looked at Stef, opening his mouth as though to speak, then closing in.

“Spit it out, Mike.  I’m not going to make a habit of talking with you about this, so say whatever you want to say now.”

Mike sighed, then spoke. “Just make sure that as you’re working on making Lena happier you don’t sacrifice your own happiness in the process.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  Stef’s forehead wrinkled.

“I’ve been married to you - you’re not a terrible spouse.”

“Thanks, I think,” Stef laughed.

Mike continued.  “I’m not saying you’re perfect, but I’ve seen how you’ve worked to keep your family together, and that’s included doing a fair number of things Lena wanted that you weren’t too sure about.”

Stef took a moment to consider Mike’s words.  Lena was the one who brought Callie home, but it was Stef who had bent any rule she had to to keep her with them.  Lena wanted a baby of her own, and Stef put aside her own concerns to make her wife happy. 

“Don’t twist yourself into knots chasing what Lena wants, only to find you’ve lost what you want.”

Stef looked down.  “I’m not even sure what that is anymore.”

“Then that’s part of your issue,” Mike observed.  

“Yeah, I guess it is.  When did you get to be a relationship guru?  This stuff is even better than our book.” Stef put an arm around her ex-husband, briefly leaning her head on his shoulder.

“I’ve screwed up enough - I’d better be learning something each time.”  Mike laughed.

“Fair enough.”

Stef was about to head back to the cruiser, when she heard Mike speak again.  “One more piece of advice.”

“Yeah?”

He glanced over at her, then stared out across the street.  “It’s not just me you drive nuts when you’re all up in my business.  I’m not always the most observant guy, but I’m pretty sure Lena would love it too if you’d back off of me.”

“Message received.  Loud and clear. From both of you.”  Replaying her conversation with Mike about the need to save someone in her head, she knew the advice applied to her as well.  

“Maybe you need to think about why you were so invested in the first place.  You were so busy trying to save me from Ana you -”

Stef stood up and cut him off.  “All right, we’re done here. I appreciate your support, but that’s all the processing I’ve got in me for one day.”

“Sure thing, partner.”  Mike shrugged. “Let’s get back to work.”

*****

“Well, that was awful.”  

Lena stopped outside of Jesus and Jude’s bedroom when she heard Mariana’s voice.  She knew she shouldn’t eavesdrop, but she convinced herself it was important she keep tabs on how the kids were doing, with everything being so tense.  Plus, dinner really had been awful.

“Yeah,” Jesus agreed.

“What’s with moms being so tense?  I know we’ve had all kinds of drama lately, but until the past week I thought they were solid.”

“Exactly.  I’ve always assumed that being adopted meant your parents would never get divorced.  Why would people who chose to be parents break up their family?”

“Moms aren’t breaking up!” Mariana exclaimed.  “Don’t even say it. But I know what you mean. It’s like we were exempt or something.  When Garrett was going through his parents’ divorce I thought there was no way it could happen to us.  I felt badly for him, but I never even considered that our parents might ever split.”

“Now, I don’t know.  What was all that ‘when you don’t pass me the mashed potatoes I feel irritated because I’m hungry’ crap?”

“And then Mama was all ‘I validate your irritation, but when you come home late without calling I feel frustrated because you could be dead.’”

“So weird.”

Lena shook her head.  She and Stef had to get a handle on themselves.  It wasn’t fair to the kids to put them in the middle of things.  Maybe chapter two would get them started on the right track.


	3. Chapter 3

“What’s the cheesy title this time?” Lena asked Stef, hoping to break the ice a bit. It was Saturday again, and they had survived to make it to chapter two.

“‘Grounded in Happiness.’ Well, that’s interesting. If we were happy we wouldn’t be reading this book. ‘Where are you?’”

“I’m with you in our bedroom - why are you asking me that?” Lena was confused.

“I’m not asking you - the book is. That’s the first sentence of chapter two,” Stef answered.

“Oh. What does it say next?”

Stef read aloud: “‘We want you to conduct the exercises in this book in a place that makes you both happy. We believe the positive associations with a happy place will help you stay grounded in the things that made you want to be together in the first place. The caveat is that place can’t be your bedroom. We would venture to guess that even if this is a place you have shared many happy memories it is also a place you have experienced conflict.”

“True enough,” Lena had to admit. “So where should we go?”

Stef thought for a moment. Where was a place that she and Lena had only ever been happy?

“I’ve got it. Come with me.” Muscle memory, not yet overwritten with their current emotional distance, caused Stef to grab Lena’s hand and lead her down the stairs and out the door.

It didn’t take Lena long to figure out where they were driving. She couldn’t help smiling as Stef parked the car in the lot of the beach that had been the site of a particularly happy night.

“I forgot a blanket. Is that okay?”

Lena remembered their first beach excursion, relaxing in the sand and people-watching. “Why start now?”

Stef grinned. At least this time she was wearing more sensible clothes. 

They took off their shoes and walked toward the water, sitting down far enough away to avoid getting wet. Stef opened the book again.

“‘It is our belief that if you had happiness together once, you can find it again. We are under no illusion that the giddiness of your early days can be recreated.’” 

Stef paused, unable to stop herself from remembering what it had felt like that night she and Lena had walked along this beach, holding hands. It was the moment she finally knew for sure that Lena had feelings for her, and although it had terrified her into staying silent, it was the point of no return for them.

She looked at Lena, knowing she was thinking about the same thing. She had to admit this book was pretty savvy. It was hard to be mad at someone when you were surrounded by reminders of a happier time.

She continued, “‘This book is about helping you build a mutually satisfying future, not about recreating the past. The exercises you will start with will encourage you to learn from your past in order to apply those lessons and create new, healthier patterns in the future.’”

“Is that necessary?” Lena asked. “How does rehashing the past help us deal with our problems in the present?”

“Trust the book - I’m assuming it knows better than we do how to fix our issues. What we’ve tried so far hasn’t worked, so let’s give it a chance. Unless you want to just yell at each other some more.”

Lena tried not to roll her eyes. “Fine. What’s the exercise?”

“We’re supposed to tell each other what the things were that drew us to each other in the beginning. We have to go back and forth until we’ve each said at least five things. And we’re supposed to maintain eye contact while we do it. Apparently, eye contact is very powerful.”

Lena took a deep breath and let it out, but she didn’t say anything. 

“I guess I’ll go first,” Stef began. She took one of Lena’s hands in hers and waited until the other woman made eye contact. “The first thing I remember being drawn to - other than your angelic beauty -” Here, Lena couldn’t help smiling. “Was your openness. That you shared your pain with me. You were giving me the tour at Anchor Beach, and you told me about Gretchen, and all I wanted to do was make you feel better.”

Lena looked down for a moment. “At the time, I was afraid I had come off as totally unprofessional.”

“I can’t help that you fell prey to my charm.” Stef smirked.

“I suppose not,” Lena smiled, then her expression sobered and she pulled her hand away from Stef’s. “It’s funny that the first thing I want to say that drew me to you is the thing we now fight about.”

“What’s that?” Stef asked.

“Your protectiveness. You didn’t even know me, but you were mad on my behalf. And now I hold it against you.” It was a revelation that startled Lena. How could something she loved about Stef have become such a wedge between them?

“Hey, let’s not get into all that,” Stef put her hand on Lena’s knee. “How about I tell you another reason I fell for you?”

“Sure. Charm me some more, my bee charmer.”

“You know, I always identified more with Idgie’s personality, but when you think about it I’m a lot like Ruth.”

Lena considered her favorite book. “You’re right - leaving a marriage, having a son. Just don’t die of cancer, please.” She covered Stef’s hand with her own.

“I’ll do my best.” Stef squeezed Lena’s hand, then continued, “Your love of my son - now our son - is another thing that drew me to you. That night you stayed when Mike couldn’t pick him up and I was late, I could see how genuinely you loved kids.”

Lena looked down at their joined hands. “I have to confess, while I love kids, and I love Brandon in particular, I wouldn’t have stayed for anyone else’s kid.” 

She looked up at Stef, and for just a moment, it was as intense as those early days. 

“That’s sweet. Now tell me more things you like about me.” Stef briefly touched Lena’s cheek, then looked out at the ocean.

Lena turned as well, their shoulders almost touching. “I love your bravery, not just as a cop. That part still scares me to death. But you forged ahead and started a new life with me, even when things were difficult and you could have taken an easier path.”

Stef let the memory of almost losing Lena before they even got started wash over her. “That’s where you’re wrong. The easy path was with you. Being with you felt so right - anything else wouldn’t have fit. But I know what you’re saying. I didn’t feel all that brave at the time. For a minute I wasn’t sure if I could do it.”

Lena wasn’t sure she wanted to ask her next question, but she did it anyway. “Did you ever regret it? Did you ever wish you’d have stuck with your normal life - husband, kid, all that?”

Stef continued to look straight ahead, but she quickly and quietly answered, “Never.”

*****

“How’s self-directed therapy going?” Dana asked Tuesday evening.

Lena glanced around her office, which was right next door to that of the boss who had kissed her. She was alone, but this was not the place she wanted to have this conversation. 

“Mom,” she said, barely above a whisper. “I’m at work.”

“So late? Are you hiding out and avoiding Stef? Work hardly seems like the appropriate place to do that, all things considered.”

Leave it to her mother to get right to it. Lena didn’t bother to deny any of it.

“It’s going fine. We’ve managed to be pretty civil this week. We’re doing chapter three tomorrow.”

“That’s good, honey. Stick with it.”

“I will. Thanks for checking in. We’re supposed to be writing things in a journal, but it’s nice to talk with someone about this. Monte and I were friends before, well, you know, but clearly I can’t talk to her about this. And it would feel funny to talk to Jenna or Kelly. I’m not sure I’d get the healthiest perspective.”

“I want to help any way I can. I have an idea - why don’t your father and I come down and stay with the kids for a weekend, and you and Stef can get away? We’ll pay for it and everything.”

Lena considered her mother’s generous offer. “Thanks, Mom. I don’t think we’re quite ready for that. But maybe after a few more chapters we will be. I’ll let you know.”

“Okay,” Dana agreed. “I suppose if you tried it too soon it might send you in the opposite direction. A couple of days alone together could do more harm than good if you’re not in the right place.”

Lena considered what might happen if she and Stef were confined with each other for two days. At best, it would be painfully awkward. At worst, they’d finally have the big blow-up they’d been dancing around, and they might never recover.

“Thanks for understanding. I’ll talk to you again soon.”

*****

Stef knocked on Brandon’s doorframe and walked in when he looked up from his computer.

“How was Idyllwild today? Any better?”

Brandon shrugged. “It’s okay. I’m still not thrilled about composing rather than playing, but there are a couple of cool people who make it not suck.”

“That’s good.”

Brandon looked a little uncomfortable, but he spoke up anyway. “So, how’s everything with Mama? I know you guys are trying not to overshare, but an update would put everyone’s minds at ease. Jude is still cleaning the bathroom every other day, and Mariana makes sure everyone’s busy Saturday nights so we don’t get in the way of your book thing.”

Stef sighed and sat down on Brandon’s bed. She didn’t want to put any burdens on her kids, but she understood the need to keep the lines of communication open.

“It’s going pretty well. We’re still just getting started. The book is really into exploring the past before you get into your current stuff, so we haven’t tackled anything major. But, you know, things definitely haven’t gotten worse.”

Brandon laughed, but there was a cynical note to it. “Well, that’s a ringing endorsement if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Just tell the others everything is on track - we’re working hard, and we’re trying to make things better.” She hesitated, then continued. “I know you were young when your dad and I split and you may not remember much of it, but it was really hard on you in the beginning. I don’t want you - or any of your siblings - to have to go through that.”

Brandon nodded. “I understand why you and Dad didn’t work out. Between his drinking and your being, well, gay, it would have been a nightmare if you tried to stay together. But it’s different with Mama. And not just because we’re older and there are more of us now.”

“I know,” Stef agreed. “I’m fighting as hard as I can to make this work. For me, and for Lena and for you guys.”

They were both silent for a moment. Then Stef stood up. “Well, that’s enough adult drama for one night. Go back to whatever teenager stuff you were doing. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Good night, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you too, B.”

*****

After the seeming success of chapter two, Stef found herself looking forward to Saturday afternoon. Maybe this relationship work wasn’t so bad. She and Lena could be back on track, and everything would be fine. They had even brought a picnic dinner this time, and though they hadn’t talked much, things didn’t feel nearly as tense as recent bouts of silence.

“All right, shall we get started on chapter three?” Lena asked.

“‘Grounded in the Past.’ Here we go. ‘What can your past teach you? It can be instructive in what you want in the future, as well as what you don’t want. This chapter will focus on your family of origin. What messages did you receive about intimate relationships? Why do we encourage you to go back this far? This is your true foundation - if you and your partner don’t understand these building blocks about yourselves and each other you won’t be able to merge your foundations successfully.’”

“That’s the worst metaphor for sex I’ve ever heard,” Lena commented.

“Hush. I don’t think that’s what they meant. Besides, we merge our foundations just fine.” Stef gave an exaggerated leer.

“Just fine?” Lena raised an eyebrow.

“You know what I mean,” Stef smirked. “‘What were the patterns you learned from your parents? It is human nature to repeat them, as they are the strongest model you have.’ Wow, then no wonder we’re in trouble. My parents’ example was terrible. They fought all the time, and they violated all the rules of this book.” 

“I knew their divorce was ugly, but we’ve never talked a lot about what it was like for you growing up. Are you okay talking about it now?” Lena held Stef’s hand.

Stef appreciated the support. It had been decades ago, but she preferred not to dwell on it. “I’m fine. It was just the constancy of it that was so terrible. They didn’t have a lot of screaming fights, but they were always sniping at each other. There were all these little digs - it was like they didn’t like a single thing about each other. When they got divorced it was a relief.”

Lena reassured Stef, “For what it’s worth, you’re nothing like your parents in that regard. You’ve never crossed a line with me in terms of the way we disagree. I may be pretty unhappy with some decisions you’ve made lately, but your words have always been kind, even when we weren’t on the same page.”

Stef exhaled a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. “Thank you for that. I’d like to think even when things broke down with Mike I was able to forge a different path than my parents showed me. I was determined not to be anything like them. He and I mostly just drifted apart - the drama was around his drinking and its effects on Brandon. That was the only time we really fought.” Stef paused for a moment, then asked, “What about your parents? They always seem so happy.”

“They are. Or, at least, they seem to be. My mom alluded recently to the fact that things haven’t always been perfect between them, but they were really good about not letting me see any of that.”

Lena considered for a moment how her parents’ example might be impacting her current situation. They made it look easy. But clearly, it wasn’t. No marriage was - at least, not all of the time. So how did they get through their issues? Lena had no idea.

“In keeping their drama from me - which, by the way, is not a bad thing - I think they also kept from me an example of how to work through problems. I feel like I don’t have many tools to deal with what you and I are going through. They modeled how to be a couple when things are going well, but they didn’t show me even a glimpse of how to deal with problems.”

“So what do the two of us do? Combined, we’ve seen wonderful and terrible, but we don’t have anything in between.” Suddenly, the seeming progress they had made melted away. So far they had just reminded themselves of a happier past, but they had yet to actually address their challenging present. And now they were discovering they might not have the tools to deal with their issues.

Lena tried to be positive. “We do our best to learn a new way. And, while we’re at it, we model it for the kids so they don’t end up in the same place as us someday.”

“For what it’s worth, I think we’re doing a pretty good job of that so far.” Stef hoped they were striking a healthy balance between openness and oversharing.

Lena considered the conversation she had overheard between the twins. “Well, maybe we could do a better job of communicating in front of the kids.”

“Why do you say that?” Stef wasn’t foolish enough to think she and Lena were very good at pretending things were fine, but it sounded like Lena was referencing something concrete.

“After week one, Mariana and Jesus picked up on our barbed attempts to practice our communication rules and discussed how weird things were.” Lena sighed.

“You eavesdropped on the kids?” Stef raised her eyebrows, but she didn’t sound all that surprised. It’s not like she could judge stealthy behavior.

“It was an accident,” Lena defended herself. “But it was helpful information. I think it would be good if we tried a little harder to act normal around them. Now that they know we’re working on things, they’re even more sensitive to everything we say and do around each other.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Me too. So, what else do we have to explore about our past?” Lena knew there was more to this chapter.

“Oh dear - we have to revisit our first romantic relationship to see what foundation it laid for our future ones.” Stef’s brow furrowed.

“Like, the first kid we ever ‘went out with,’ or our first serious relationship?” Lena wasn’t sure what going that far back would teach them.

Stef scanned ahead. “It looks like all of them.”

“Yikes. Okay, Marcus Anderson, here we come.”

“Who the heck is Marcus Anderson?” Stef thought she knew Lena’s complete dating history, but this name was new.

Lena smiled fondly. “He’s the boy I kissed at the sixth grade dance. He turned out to be gay, too.”

“I’m not sure that counts.”

“You said all of them.”

Stef braced herself. “All right, this should be intermittently amusing and awful.”

Lena patted her knee and reassured her, “I bet we’ll learn a lot - about ourselves and each other. There may be some problematic patterns from previous relationships we’ve brought into this one. Knowing that could help us break them and work on creating healthier ones.”

That sounded pretty ambitious for one evening. But they were trusting this book to take them through the steps that would put them back on track. If this was one of them, so be it.

*****

Stef and Lena were quiet as they walked back to the car, and the ride home was silent as well. While they hadn’t spoken directly about their behavior in recent months, it was clear that Stef’s desire to protect her family had manifested before, in leaving Mike to keep Brandon safe. She saw extreme action, taken alone, as a justifiable way to achieve her desired end.

Lena, for her part, saw a disturbing parallel between her relationships with Monte and with Stef. But with Monte, she was playing the role of Stef, a woman - and mother - who was unhappy in her relationship and became close to someone who lent a sympathetic ear. 

Stef certainly saw a parallel between herself and Monte, whose name didn’t come up but whose presence loomed large by the end of the conversation. Here was another woman, recently ending a marriage to a man, to whom Lena was clearly attracted. But this time it was Lena who was still married, and she couldn’t claim the excuse Stef had years ago of being separated.

Both women realized what lay ahead of them - a reckoning for their actions in the recent past, and the need to determine whether or not they could change enough to salvage their future. Lena was getting antsy to dive into that phase, while Stef dreaded it.


	4. Chapter 4

“Bye, Jude! Bye, Connor! Have fun!” Stef and Callie stood in the doorway, waving at the boys as Lena pulled out of the driveway.

“I can’t believe Connor’s dad is letting him go on a date with Jude,” Callie commented.

“Well, he insisted on there being a chaperone,” Stef replied. “At least he’s letting Lena be the one to go with them. I don’t think Jude would have gone if it had been Mr. Stevens, no matter how much he likes Connor.”

Callie laughed.

“So how are you feeling about spending time with Robert this weekend? He should be here to pick you up pretty soon, right?” Stef asked. “This will be the first time you’ve seen him since the hearing when he signed the papers.”

Callie sighed and sat down on the couch. Stef sat next to her. “Okay, I guess. It feels better knowing it’s my choice to see him and that no one can force me.”

“I know it may surprise you, but I’m glad you’re choosing to see him. Things got a little intense when it looked like we’d lose you, and I’m sorry if it put your relationship with him in jeopardy. He’s your father, and you have every right to spend time with him, as well as your sister and Jill.”

Callie let out a breath. “Thank you. I’m sorry things got complicated, and I’m sorry if it messed things up between you and Lena -”

Stef cut her off. “Please don’t apologize. I hate that you were caught in the middle of a fight between us and Robert, and Lena’s and my issues are in no way your fault. I guess it’s ironic that after being bounced around for so long you ended up in a battle between two sets of people who would do anything to have you with them. I hope you know how much we all love you, even if we’ve expressed it in some messed up ways.”

Callie let out a laugh. “It’s weird, for sure. I love you guys all too, and I just want things to settle down for awhile.”

Stef laughed as well. “Fat chance, with all these teenagers in the mix. But seriously, Lena and I - and Robert, too - only want what’s best for you. It’s okay to still be figuring that out, and if you want to spend time at Robert’s you’re more than welcome to do that any time. We would never keep you from that. And Lena and I are moving forward with the next steps to adopt you. We want you to feel stable and to not have to worry that anyone can take you away ever again.”

Before Callie could reply, there was a knock on the door.

“I guess that’s Robert.” Callie stood up. “Thanks, Stef, for the talk. Everything’s okay. See you tomorrow.”

“Right. Good. Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Stef was relieved that Callie seemed all right, and while she couldn’t bring herself to regret that her actions had made keeping Callie possible, she had to consider that perhaps she could have achieved this result without jeopardizing her marriage. What was done was done, but maybe the book would help her figure out how to do things differently next time. 

*****

Saturday morning, Stef woke up to the sensation of another hand in hers. For over ten years, this had been the norm, but in recent weeks she and Lena had barely touched at all. It seemed Lena was still asleep, and Stef considered retracting her hand. It wasn’t as though Lena had done it on purpose, and if she woke up and realized it, a lovely moment might turn awkward. 

“We forgot to build the pillow wall last night,” Stef heard before she had a chance to make a decision.

“I guess we did,” she responded, still unsure how Lena would react.

“It’s kind of silly anyway, isn’t it?” Lena rolled over to face Stef, dislodging their hands in the process. “I mean, it takes up so much space we’re stuck over on the edge.”

“Right. We shouldn’t risk one of us falling out of the bed.” Stef wasn’t sure if further contact would be appreciated. She wanted to push the curls out of Lena’s face as she would have in the past, but before she could decide, Lena was sitting up and getting out of bed.

“Okay, then,” Lena agreed over her shoulder as she headed for the bathroom.

Once the door was closed, Stef flopped back onto her pillow and sighed. It was progress, and for that she was happy. 

*****

That progress seemed to slip away just a few hours later. Callie texted with the news that Robert and Jill had separated due to his infidelity. Even from her brief text, it was clear she was upset, especially considering the fact that Sophia was living with Jill, so Callie wasn’t getting to see her sister.

“See what happens when you blackmail people,” Lena accused Stef.

Stef put up her hands. “Wait a minute. I’m not the one who told Jill, and I’m not the one who broke my marriage vows and has to deal with the consequences. This has nothing to do with me.”

“You don’t think your blackmailing him contributed to this situation?”

Stef opened her mouth to deny accountability, but she paused and considered Lena’s point of view. 

“I don’t know how or why this all came out. Maybe what I did had an impact. But think of this - what if I didn’t blackmail Robert, and he got full custody of Callie? Then Jill finds out, and they split up anyway. Now Callie’s living with her single dad instead of with a family. Is that the life you’d want for her?”

Lena paused as well, and she pictured what Stef described. “The ends justifies the means, huh?”

“Sometimes,” Stef averred.

Both women remained unsettled the rest of the morning, recognizing but not wanting to acknowledge what this meant for Callie. She went from having two families fighting over her to two sets of parents with marital issues. Lena was still upset with Stef for her role in Robert’s infidelity coming to light, and she was unnerved by the underlying message in Stef’s comments about infidelity and taking responsibility. Stef was concerned that Callie would feel even more unsettled about her moms’ issues if living with her father was less of a backup option.

Despite their own worries, they were able to unite for Callie when she arrived home in the afternoon. Immediately giving her a hug, they all sat down together on the couch to check in. 

Stef rubbed Callie’s back. “I’m so sorry, Love. I know it feels like another huge change, but Robert and Sophia - and even Jill - aren’t going anywhere. They’ll always be part of your life. There’s a lot to adjust to, but I bet you can work it out that you and Sophia spend time with Robert together, if that’s what you want.”

“But he said Sophia is so mad she doesn’t want to see him,” Callie explained.

“So we’ll invite Sophia over here. Maybe you can help her forgive your dad.” Stef hated that she couldn’t make this better. She checked herself before she started concocting a plan to get Robert and Jill back together, just to make Callie happy. 

“That’s a good idea,” Lena chimed in, appreciating Stef’s support of forgiveness. “Sophia is welcome any time. We’d love a chance to get to know her better.”

“I’m so glad I’m living with you guys and not him.” Stef could see in Callie’s eyes a plea that she and Lena not follow down the same path.

Lena’s smile was genuine. “We’re so glad, too.” She was gratified to see Callie’s shoulders relax a bit. She looked over and saw Stef’s mirroring smile, and she felt a sense of relief that whatever happened between the two of them, they would always put their children first.

*****

Stef and Lena were able to maintain their better mood as they drove to the beach for their weekly session. Though they still avoided subjects like Lena’s work or Mike, chatting about neutral topics didn’t feel as forced as it had recently.

Stef sat in the sand and opened to chapter four. “‘Grounded in the self. You may be wondering why we haven’t had you address the issues you’re dealing with in the present yet -’”

“You think?” Lena mumbled.

Stef shot her a look and continued. “‘We believe that laying a strong foundation in your foundation’ - man, when they commit to a theme, they really commit - ‘will increase the likelihood of success once you do tackle what led you to consult this book in the first place. In this chapter, we want you to consider your own individual foundation. Up to now, we’ve asked you to consider yourself in connection to others. Now, we want you to think about yourself. Focusing on the self too soon might drive you and your partner further apart, so we believe the work you have done in previous chapters should have grounded you in your interrelatedness to those who are important to you. Within this context, you can now explore what individual fulfillment means to you.’”

Lena looked out at the ocean and pondered for a moment, while Stef took a drink from her water bottle. She had been so keen to air her grievances and hold Stef to account for her recent decisions, she hadn’t taken much time to look inward. The giant boulder of guilt for having kissed Monte didn’t make introspection appealing, and she wasn’t looking forward to this chapter.

Stef continued, “‘What do you and your partner like to do separately? Have you made the time for this recently? For some couples, separate activities may be the norm, and may be a symptom of their underlying issues. For others, there may be an enmeshment that binds them together, even as they chafe against it.’ I guess they’re trying to say nicely that lesbians can be co-dependent.”

“Do you think we are?” Lena knew the stereotype, but she had never applied it to her and Stef.

“Honestly? Not really. I think parenting forces you to do a lot of things, if not together, in coordination. It doesn’t leave a lot of time for doing things as a couple, let alone alone.”

“True. I’d ask what we did before we had kids, but that time didn’t exist for us.”

There was a bitterness in Lena’s tone Stef didn’t care to explore - this wasn’t the chapter for it. “Of course there was a time before kids. It’s just not a time we shared. We’re not supposed to be focusing on what we did alone together. It’s about what we did without each other. You had hobbies, right?”

“I guess. I traveled a bit. Read a lot. Played on the Anchor Beach staff softball team.”

Stef nodded. “I remember that. Brandon and I came to a few of your games. But you quit when Jesus and Mariana came along.”

Lena shrugged. “They had games of their own pretty quickly. There wasn’t time for me to play as well.”

“I was a runner. I had to stay in shape for work, and they gave us time to do that, so I kept up a bit even after Brandon was born. But I haven’t done it much in years.”

Neither mentioned Stef’s most recent jog. Lena felt like she had driven her wife out of the house. But perhaps there wasn’t anything wrong with taking time for oneself. Sometimes it was better than staying and arguing.

“So how do we parent five kids, work on our issues as a couple, and do the things we like to do by ourselves?” Lena asked.

Stef was definitive. “I don’t want to sacrifice time with the kids. We came so close to losing Callie and Jesus -”

“In more ways than one,” Lena interjected, shuddering.

Stef squeezed Lena’s hand as they thought about the car accident that had thankfully only broken their son’s foot. “That was one of the scariest days of my life. They’re going to leave the house soon enough, and I can’t bear the thought of wasting any of that time.”

“Agreed. Maybe we should try to put in a bit more structure. We’ve set aside Saturday evenings for this, since it’s prime teenager socialization time. What if we had a family night during the week, where we all made sure we were free to play a game or watch a movie? We used to do that more, but now everyone’s so scattered it’s hard to pull them all together for more than a few minutes at a time.”

“Sounds good.” Stef smiled ruefully. “I don’t think it’ll be hard to get them to agree. They’ve all been on such good behavior since we told them about our issues.”

“We’ve all had our perspective adjusted lately. So that accounts for not losing time with the kids. How do we find time for ourselves?” Lena asked.

“I could get up early and run some days. Much as I hate losing any sleep.” Stef wasn’t particularly keen on this idea, but she understood the need for doing something for herself.

“You could run to the beach on Saturdays and then ride home with me,” Lena suggested.

“True. What would you do with your free time?”

“Probably read. I have a list of books I want to read but haven’t had the chance to get to. Maybe work out in the yard a bit.”

“What do you think has kept us from doing this all along?” Stef wondered aloud.

“Good question. It’s not like the kids haven’t been busy most Saturdays for years. I guess in the not-so-terribly-recent past we were the ones driving them all over town. Then when Brandon got his license it freed us up a bit, but there’s always something to do around the house.”

“Or someone to bail out of trouble,” Stef pointed out.

“That, too.”

“This will be good, right? The kids will see us taking care of ourselves, and that’s healthy. If we can get into a habit it’ll just become part of the routine.”

“Exactly.”

*****

“Jesus and Brandon and Callie will be with me. Mom and Mama, you’ll be on a team with Jude. That way we’ll all have about the same number of years of experience on each team.”

Lena knew Mariana was better than that at math, but she let it slide. She glanced at Stef, whose wink let her know she, too, understood that their daughter didn’t want them on opposite Trivial Pursuit teams. It was cute.

Half an hour in, Stef and Lena’s team was up three wedges to two. The kids’ team was about to answer a question to tie things up.

“Oh, man! You’re totally going to get this!” Jude exclaimed before he read the card. “Who won the gold medal in welterweight freestyle wrestling in the 2000 Olympics?”

Jesus was about to shout out the answer when Mariana elbowed him in the ribs. 

“Uh, Jamill Kelly?” he answered with a shrug and a smirk.

“Sorry, it was Brandon Slay. How could you miss that? You have a poster of him on your wall,” Jude pointed out.

“Aw, that’s okay, Jesus.” Brandon’s back slap was as exaggerated as his sympathy.

Callie just shook her head.

Stef could hardly keep from laughing. It was sweet the kids wanted her and Lena to win. Then she sobered. Did they think she and Lena were so fragile as to fall apart if they lost the game? She chose to find it endearing and enjoy it.

She looked at Lena, who was coughing so as not to give away the joke. 

From that point until 11:00, no one answered a question correctly but Jude. Callie had clearly realized that Lena and Stef were throwing the game right back at the kids, but Jesus and Mariana were so caught up in their own scheme they hadn’t picked up on it. Brandon seemed amused by it all, but he was looking bored, and Stef decided it was time to put them out of their misery.

“What pitcher, whose autobiography was entitled ‘Me and the Spitter,’ hit his first home run the day of the first moon landing?” Mariana asked.

“Gaylord Perry!” Stef shouted.

“Seriously?” Brandon was impressed.

“He won a Cy Young with the Padres,” Stef shrugged.

Jesus handed them their green wedge.

Realizing Stef was playing for real again, Lena correctly answered the next question. And the next, and the next. 

“Who is the last American to win the Nobel Prize in Literature?” Callie asked.

“Toni Morrison,” Lena answered for the last wedge.

Jude rolled a six, and they were in the middle.

Stef and Lena were amused as they watched the kids try to decide what category to choose. If they picked the one they really thought was hardest, their parents might not win. But if they picked an easy one, it would be obvious they were throwing the game.

Mariana finally spoke up. “They’re super old, so let’s go with Arts and Entertainment. They don’t know anything current.”

“You know this game was made in 1998, right?” Stef couldn’t help asking.

“Whatever.” Mariana rolled her eyes.

“Okay, for the win, what’s the name of the only Fannie Flagg book to be made into a movie?” Brandon asked.

“Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe!” Stef and Lena answered in unison.

Callie and Mariana looked pleased at their parents’ joy at winning, and Stef realized being on Lena’s team had been a lot of fun. 

Jude looked around the room and saw the smiles on everyone’s faces. Lena could see the realization dawn on his face.

He looked at his siblings. “You guys were -”

They shrugged.

“And you guys knew -”

Stef and Lena grinned.

He shook his head. “This family is so weird.”


	5. Chapter 5

Stef finished brushing her hair, then put in the earrings Lena gave her for Christmas. She turned to find her wife leaning against the bathroom doorway, an inscrutable expression on her face.

“You look nice,” Lena commented.

“Thanks,” Stef replied. She really didn’t want to be going out to a lesbian bar to be Jenna’s wingman, but the thought of Lena going instead wasn’t appealing. What if Lena saw all of the benefits of the single life and got tempted to join Jenna in the world of starting over?

“I’d better go,” Stef said, brushing past Lena. “I’m already going to be late.”

“Have fun.”

Stef couldn’t help rolling her eyes. “I doubt it.”

Lena finally smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes. She knew why Stef had volunteered to be the one to go out with Jenna, when their friend had called and begged them to help her get back into dating. She also knew there were a million things Stef would rather be doing. She wasn’t sure if she should be touched that Stef was willing to do something she considered unpleasant to support a friend, especially when they were going through their own relationship issues, or if she should be offended that Stef didn’t trust her to go out on the prowl with their oft-inappropriate, recently-divorced friend.

Stef sent a text letting Jenna know she was running late, then checked her phone as soon as she parked at the restaurant.

_Met a hot lady at the bar. The night is looking up. ;)_

Stef contemplated starting the car again and driving home. If Jenna had already met someone on her own, Stef didn’t need to get in the way of that. Stef wasn’t exactly great company anyway. But she had promised her friend, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to go home and try to avoid her wife for the rest of the evening, while they sat in the same house. She’d had enough of that the past few weeks. It was Friday night, why not try to have some fun?

She walked in and immediately spotted Jenna. Her friend was turned towards someone, and she could see Jenna talking animatedly with her hands. Stef approached, then froze.

Jenna turned and, with a big smile on her face said, “Stef! I want you to meet Monte.”

Stef, ever the cop, watched Monte’s face as her expression changed from surprise to guilt. Knowing her own face wasn’t hiding anything from Monte, she realized in that sickening moment that Monte hadn’t known Lena told Stef about their kiss.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Overwhelmed and off balance, Stef turned and walked towards the door.

“I’ve got this,” Stef overheard Monte tell Jenna.

Stef made it to the parking lot before Monte caught up with her.

“Stef, wait!” she called.

Taking a deep breath, Stef turned to face Monte. She unclenched her hands, but her shoulders remained tense. She refused to speak first, perversely happy that Monte looked horribly uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry,” Monte began. “I should never have -” Here, she stopped, and averted her eyes.

“Kissed another woman’s wife? Not to mention someone who works for you. Yeah, you never should have.”

“I know. We haven’t even talked about it since, so I’ve tried to pretend it never happened. But it was inappropriate. It hasn’t happened again. It won’t.” Monte looked up again, her eyes pleading with Stef for absolution.

“Damn right it won’t,” Stef growled.

Monte took a step back. Stef rubbed her hand over her face, and her shoulders slumped. Maybe Lena was right - their issues were their own, and Monte was only a symptom. Terrifying Monte wouldn’t change anything.

“I’m going to go back inside and hang out with my friend. I don’t care what you do next, just don’t do it near me.”

Just as Stef started towards the door, she heard Monte say, almost to herself, “This was a bad idea. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

For just a moment, Stef was sympathetic. Here was a recently-divorced woman who was trying to figure out her sexuality. Stef had once been a seemingly-straight woman who fell in love with Lena. It wasn’t hard to understand how that could happen to someone else.

Stef gave Monte a hard look. “Here’s a tip. Find someone who’s single. Preferably one who’s not Lena’s friend.” Having made her point, she softened and continued, “Dating is dating, and it sucks and it’s scary no matter who you are. I hope you find someone who makes you feel safe in the midst of all of that.”

Monte looked close to tears. “Thank you,” was all she said.

Stef nodded, then turned and went back inside.

“What. The. Hell?” Jenna asked as soon as Stef sat down. “I couldn’t hear anything, obviously, but even with my limited view out the window that looked intense. I take it my hot new friend isn’t coming back.”

“Sorry, but no,” Stef replied. Knowing Jenna wouldn’t stop until she had all of the details, she explained tersely, “She’s Lena’s boss. They kissed a couple of months ago. Lena never told her she told me.”

“Whoa. I don’t even know where to start with that. I think I’m going to need another drink.” Jenna signaled to the bartender. “You want anything?”

Stef sighed. “Just a water. I’m driving.”

“Well I took a cab, so I can drink enough for the both of us. Now, tell me what’s going on with you and Lena.”

Stef told Jenna the basics of the issues she and Lena were going through, including their Saturday evening book sessions. Not feeling like processing her own problems too much, she redirected the conversation.

“Is this like what happened with you and Kelly? Why did you guys really split up?”

Jenna looked thoughtful. “There’s no deep secret. No one cheated. We just drifted apart. We didn’t make each other happy anymore. The things we put up with about each other began to make us nuts, and they started to outweigh the things we liked.”

“And you couldn’t fix it?”

“We tried. We did the whole counseling thing. In our case, neither of us was happy, and our efforts to try to stay together were halfhearted. It sounds like you and Lena are really trying to get back on track.”

Stef nodded. “Do you miss Kelly?”

“Am I a bad person if I say no? I feel free in a way that I didn’t when we were together. I hate that Garrett had to suffer, and sometimes I feel selfish for having chosen my own happiness. But now that it’s been a little while, Kelly and I can talk without fighting, and we can be friendly.”

Stef couldn’t imagine ever having only platonic feelings for Lena. How could passion turn into something so neutral? She might get angry with some of the things Lena had done, as she knew Lena did with her, but the thought of either of them feeling little more than nothing was incomprehensible.

“Do you think I should read something into it that Lena didn’t tell Monte she told me about their kiss? Does it mean Lena’s still holding the door open for Monte in case things don’t work out with me?”

Jenna laughed, startling Stef. “Honey, do I look like a mind reader? My days of trying to guess what somebody thinks about somebody else based on somebody’s secondhand interpretation of somebody’s behavior ended when I was in high school. Go home and ask your wife.”

Stef had to laugh too. It wasn’t her style to get caught up in speculation. She either needed to let it go or talk to Lena.

“I’ll ask her later. I promised you I’d be the best wingman you’ve ever had, and the night is still young.”

“I know things are bad when you choose to suffer through watching me hit on ladies than go home to your gorgeous wife.” Jenna’s smile softened her assessment, but Stef couldn’t disagree.

*****

When Stef got home, she found Lena on the couch, reading. She had thought, due to the lateness of the hour, that Lena would be in bed, if not asleep.

Lena looked up. “Did you and Jenna have fun?”

Stef had spent the entire drive home trying to think of what to say to Lena. As much as she promised Jenna she wouldn’t make assumptions about Lena’s motives, she couldn’t help the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“Eventually,” she said cryptically.

Lena gave Stef a questioning look. Everything about Stef’s body language indicated something was up. Lena had watched Stef get the kids to confess something before they ever even knew where the conversation was heading enough times to know Stef’s faux-casual posture and even tone were signals she should be wary.

“Jenna had already met someone by the time I got there,” Stef continued.

“Oh?” Lena had sympathy for the kids - she had a feeling of guilt but still didn’t have a clue what this had to do with her.

“Monte.” Stef just dropped the bomb and left it there.

Lena knew Stef’s tactics well enough to know she would have to be the one to speak next. Stef wielded silence like a knife.

Lena understood Stef encountering Monte would be awkward for her wife, but it took her a moment to get why Stef would be mad at her.

She was a grown adult and wasn’t going to be scolded. “I may not have mentioned to her that I told you she kissed me. You didn’t punch her or anything, did you?” Lena kept her tone light, lest Stef think she was overly concerned about Monte’s welfare.

Stef wasn’t amused. “If you haven’t addressed the kiss with Monte, what do you guys talk about? Do you just pretend it never happened? Do you still tell her all your secrets?”

Lena was taken aback as venom crept into Stef’s previously neutral tone. She had been impressed with Stef’s restraint as they had worked on their relationship. Not once had Stef even mentioned Monte. Now she realized there may have been plenty going on below the surface that just hadn’t bubbled up.

Stef continued, “You were so proud of your honesty in telling me about what happened, and I haven’t pushed on that front - no snarky comments, no jealousy, no lack of trust. You said this wasn’t really about her, and I believed you. So why can’t you take a stand and tell Monte there’s nothing between you and there never will be?”

Lena’s eyes widened as she realized how this looked to Stef. “I was a coward. She didn’t say anything, so I didn’t say anything, and we mostly just avoid each other. Since it’s the summer it’s not that hard.”

Stef shook her head and walked out of the room.

Lena was stunned. Normally, Stef would have more to say. The unfinished nature of the conversation made Lena uncomfortable. Did Stef believe her? Should she follow and reiterate her innocence? Should she accept the reprieve and give Stef her space?

Ultimately, she chose avoidance. Tomorrow was Saturday. There would be an opportunity to work on their issues then, in the safety of their usual process. She picked up her book, deciding to wait until Stef had time to go to sleep to follow her into the bedroom.

*****

Stef took a deep breath once she closed her bedroom door. She wasn’t impressed with Lena’s excuses, but she believed them to be true. At least, she believed Lena believed them. It was better to let it go than pick a fight. The whole evening had exhausted her emotionally, and she just wanted to go to sleep.

She quickly brushed her teeth and changed into her pajamas, then got into bed. But sleep didn’t come. Her mind was plagued with insecurities. She had been so focused on moving forward, with ensuring Lena wanted to stay with her, that she hadn’t allowed herself to dwell on what it meant that her wife had kissed someone else. Or that someone else kissed her wife. How available had Lena seemed, for Monte to think kissing her was okay? How much had Lena complained about Stef? Had Stef too easily bought Lena’s assertion that Monte wasn’t their problem?

Stef pretended to be asleep when Lena finally came to bed. She was still stewing about the evening’s events and had no desire to speak to her wife.

Lena wasn’t fooled, but she didn’t press the issue. If Stef didn’t want to talk, that was fine. There would be an opportunity the next day. As she looked at the tense form of her wife under the covers, she thought about her actions. She wanted to retain the moral high ground - Monte kissed her, and she - relatively quickly - told Stef about it. Sure, she didn’t address it with Monte, but she knew it would never happen again, so why embarrass the woman she still had to see just about every day?

It was easier not to think about it, but now that she had, she forced herself to consider another interpretation of her behavior. Was she unconsciously keeping her options open? If so, what did that mean?


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, Stef and Lena studiously avoided each other. More errands and household chores got done than in the previous month combined. Stef took off early for a long run to the beach, and Lena viciously weeded the flower beds until it was time to face the music.

Without speaking, they took their usual positions on the beach. They had adopted a habit of sitting next to each other in the sand, facing the water. It allowed them to talk without having to look at each other, which made it easier to say some of the things they needed to say, but it kept them separated. They had not consistently adhered to the book’s advice about eye contact, and the space between them now felt like miles. 

Neither Stef nor Lena read ahead in the book, opting to respond naturally to its questions rather than prepare. Therefore, both were taken off-guard when Chapter Five, entitled ‘Grounded in Trust,’ turned out to be the ‘if-there-has-been-infidelity’ chapter.

So much for avoidance, Lena thought.

Stef read haltingly, “‘This chapter is designed to help you work through the imbalance caused when one partner has participated in an extra-relational liaison. You may skip this chapter if it does not apply to you.”

Here, she paused. Lena had described it as one kiss, initiated by Monte, which might not meet most people’s definition of an affair. Or whatever non-judgemental term the book chose to use. But, especially in the wake of last night’s events, Stef still felt betrayed. She knew there was an emotional connection between the two, however fleeting the physical element was. It was clear that Lena meant something to Monte, and that had injected doubt into Stef’s understanding of Lena’s perspective.

Lena waited, hoping Stef would suggest skipping it, but not expecting she would. She had avoided this reckoning so far, and after their conversation last night it was finally time to face it.

Stef made no comment, only continued reading in a stronger voice, “‘The next chapter will focus on getting to the root causes of the conflict that led you and your partner to seek out this book. It is important there be some resolution to the matter of infidelity, so that a meaningful conversation can be had at that point. If one partner remains focused on the infidelity, it will be difficult to identify the true cause of the cracks in your relationship’s foundation. The question we will encourage you to ask each other in this and the next chapter is “What is underneath this?” We want you to dig deeper into the ground of your relationship and you own motivations to truly understand your dissatisfaction. Begin with the question “How did this happen?” and continue to explore until both parties feel they have identified the real source of the infidelity. Often, it is not the reason either partner expects.’”

Lena’s head felt like it was spinning. She was already feeling defensive, trying to plan her answers to the questions in such a way that she could minimize her actions and get through the conversation quickly. She wasn’t unaware enough not to recognize how unfair this was - there was so much she wanted to hold Stef accountable for - but when faced with her own poor choices her natural instinct was to deflect.

Stef knew this conversation was necessary, but she feared what Lena would say. Somehow, it felt like this would be harder on her than Lena. She would have to hear all the reasons another woman was more appealing than she was. No amount of righteous indignation would balance that out.

So she was already close to tears when she looked at Lena and asked, “How did this happen?”

Lena’s own lip trembled as she saw how devastated Stef was. She hadn’t allowed herself to imagine being in Stef’s shoes - what if it were Stef who had kissed someone else? Now the guilt hit her like a punch in the gut, and she had no idea how to respond.

She turned her head back towards the water and simply started with a factual rendition: “Monte and I had gotten close in the previous few weeks, with the stress of the funding situation and the fight over curriculum and test scores. When she came to tell me we had gotten the grant I was so happy, and we drank some champagne. I told her I wasn’t thrilled about Ana being at Mariana’s dance competition or about adopting the baby, and that I was worried about our marriage. She gave me a hug, and then she kissed me. I pushed her away, and we pretended it never happened. We haven’t talked about it since.”

Stef didn’t know where to dig first. Lena just revealed she hadn’t been excited about the baby, but it was Monte who told Stef Lena reconsidered their decision not to adopt in the first place. Stef had only ever done what she thought Lena wanted, even when it changed inexplicably. Yet it was Monte Lena had talked to first.

Her ego led her to ask a different question instead. “What’s underneath? Were you - are you - attracted to her?”

Lena wanted to say no, but lying wouldn’t help them move forward.

“Yes. I was.” She answered without looking at Stef, unable to stomach seeing how that admission would affect her wife.

“Why?” Stef choked out. “We’ve been together for almost thirteen years. We just got married! Am I not who you want anymore? How did this happen?” She repeated.

Lena considered before she answered. “It felt like you and I were so far apart. You were doing things, things with serious consequences, on your own and you weren’t talking to me about them.”

“What does that have to do with you being attracted to another woman?” Stef turned towards Lena, the better to communicate her anger. “You kiss someone else, and you’re the one who’s thinking about leaving, and all I hear is it’s my fault. You cheated on me, and all I want is for you to stay. How messed up is that?”

“I didn’t cheat -” Lena began, uncomfortable with that description of her behavior.

“But you did.” Stef cut her off. “Maybe there was just one kiss, but I could see what was happening between the two of you. All I heard was how great Monte was, how smart, how insightful. The woman doesn’t have any kids, but you were taking her advice about Brandon going on tour. Why do you think I insisted on having her over for dinner? I needed to see if what I was afraid of was true.”

“And what was that?”

“That you were interested in her - and she in you.”

Lena sighed, unable to deny it but frustrated at Stef’s lack of action. “If you saw it, why didn’t you say anything?”

Stef sat silently for a full minute. Finally, she answered. “What if you admitted it? What if I called you out on it and you said yes, you were attracted to Monte and wanted to leave me for her?”

Lena took the question as rhetorical. She let Stef continue.

“What if, barely a year after I got married a second time, I got divorced again? What if I failed again?” She shook her head. “There’s something karmic about the woman I cheated with cheating on me.”

“Is that how you see me? As the woman you cheated with?” Lena wasn’t sympathetic to Stef’s defeatist attitude. “Did you even want to marry me in the first place? Do you regret that? If you hadn’t married me, then there would be no stigma of a second divorce? Things could end and it would somehow be less devastating for everyone involved?”

She didn’t let Stef interrupt as she continued, “Are you fighting for us out of stubbornness or because you really still love me?”

Stef’s eyes blazed as she finally got to respond. “How can you even ask that? What have I done to indicate to you I didn’t want to be with you? I’ve bent over backwards to do what you wanted. ‘Let’s have a baby!’ ‘Let’s not adopt Ana’s baby!’ ‘No, wait, let’s do adopt Ana’s baby!’ I can barely keep up, but still I chase.”

Only pausing for a breath, she continued, “Don’t try to put your dissatisfaction on me. Do you even like me anymore, or do you just tolerate me because the alternative is too messy and terrifying to consider?” 

Stef put her head in her hands. “We can work out the parenting thing - the kids can stay in the house and we can alternate weeks with them or something - but spare me the indignity of staying with me out of pity or convenience.”

Lena’s eyes narrowed. “So now you’re going to roll over and give up? Is it easier if it feels like your choice instead of mine? You may not have cheated on me, but you violated my trust as well - more than once. So don’t act like you’re the only wronged party in this relationship.”

Stef’s shoulders remained slumped, but she lifted her head to look at the ocean. Her voice was quiet when she spoke. “Do you want to know why I did the things you say violated your trust? I’ve had a lot of time to think about them lately. Yes, I blackmailed Robert, and yes, I worked to get Callie emancipated without talking to you.”

She wiped her eyes, and Lena realized for the first time Stef was truly crying. “I couldn’t do anything to save Frankie. You wanted her so much, and so did I, and I had to stand there and watch as we lost her. When Robert wanted to take Callie away, I couldn’t even think about losing another child. So I did anything I could to keep her. You may not like how I went about it, but I’m not sorry it worked. I kept our family together.”

Lena was stunned into silence. She hadn’t considered how little Stef had been allowed to grieve Frankie’s loss and how little she had attempted to understand Stef’s motivations around maintaining Callie in their home. In these recent months, her own grief had made her self-absorbed, and she ascribed the worst possible motivations to Stef’s behavior. That, in turn, allowed her to feel justified in deepening her friendship with Monte.

It was getting dark, and Lena knew they had done all the work they could for one night. It was time to take responsibility for her actions with Monte so they could focus on whatever it was underneath it all that led them to the brink.

She turned to look at Stef. “I said it that first night, but I’ll say it again because you need to hear it. I’m sorry. Our issues are ours, and I should have talked to you about my concerns, rather than sharing them outside our marriage.”

Stef broke eye contact, but squeezed Lena’s hand. “I accept your apology. And I choose to believe your attraction to Monte isn’t - wasn’t - anywhere near the root of our issues. It hurts like crazy that it’s how things played out, but I can get over it. What scares me is that there’s something deeper going on that makes you unhappy, but I still don’t know what it is. I do know we have to figure it out if we even have a chance of moving forward together, but I’m terrified that when we get down to it it’ll be too big for us to overcome. We can’t stop hiding from it, though. We have to understand it or we’ll never be okay.”

Lena was impressed with Stef’s level of self-reflection and insight. She couldn’t say the same about herself. She really didn’t know what it was at the root of her unease, and she hoped the next chapter would help them figure it out.

“Wow, you’re really getting a lot out of this book.” Lena hoped Stef took her words as validating, not teasing, but it was hard to make out Stef’s expression in the dark.

Stef stood up and brushed herself off. “It’s not an exaggeration to say my life - at least, my way of life - depends on it.”

*****

Stef retreated into herself the next week, doing her best to seem normal around the kids, but not saying much to Lena in the few moments they were alone together. She suggested a movie for family night, so she wouldn’t have to fake being okay. Speaking her grief aloud had opened the door to those feelings she had stuffed away, and, once opened, she couldn’t seem to put them away. Frankie’s due date was approaching, and she lamented that she and Lena wouldn’t likely be able to commemorate it together. Not the way they should. 

Part of her resented Lena for that, even as she knew how painful it still was for her wife. She felt it was Lena who had pulled away, who had shut Stef out emotionally. Stef wasn’t foolish enough to believe her own actions in recent months were completely acceptable, but she had a feeling they would have ended up in this place either way. It devastated her that Lena was so dissatisfied she would consider ending their relationship. Lena hadn’t even said it aloud, but it was clear in her actions, written between the lines of the things she didn’t say, that it was on the table. That a very possible outcome of the work they were doing was that Lena would walk away. 

The root of her own actions, however misguided some of them were, was a commitment to her family. She had done things to achieve the ends she believed Lena wanted, and she didn’t know what else she could do. Mike’s advice was in her mind as she contemplated this. How much more could she chase her wife’s desires, when Lena didn’t seem to know what they really were? What more would she lose of herself in the process? When did her desires take precedence? What was it she even desired?

An intact family, with everyone safe and happy and healthy. That family included Lena - it wasn’t their family without her. Stef didn’t want her out of habit or fear of failure - she loved Lena with her whole heart. The excitement of falling in love had worn off, as it had to, but the depth of her feelings for Lena had grown exponentially. But did Lena still feel the same way? What would Stef do if she didn’t? 

*****

Lena saw the way Stef withdrew, and she accepted that she was the cause. She had hurt the woman she loved, the lover she married, the mother of her children, and she still wasn’t sure why. It was because she didn’t yet have an explanation she didn’t attempt to engage with Stef between beach sessions. She had nothing of substance to say - repeating her apologies for kissing Monte wouldn’t have helped, though she had to bite her tongue every time she saw the pain on Stef’s face.

Losing Frankie had been devastating, and Lena knew it was a major contributor to her feeling of dissatisfaction, but it wasn’t the root. If it were, she would have brought Stef into her grief. Instead, she pushed her away. It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t logical, and she hoped their exercises Saturday would finally get them to the bottom of things. She didn’t want to avoid it anymore. Stef was right - they needed to figure things out. Only then could they move forward - what direction that would be in, she still wasn’t sure.

Every night, Stef faced away from her in the bed, curled into herself on her side. Lena began to stay up until after Stef went to sleep, so she could slip in beside her and wrap her arms around her wife. It was affection she knew Stef wouldn’t be comfortable with in the daylight, but she couldn’t help it. To see Stef in such pain and to not be able to do anything to help was too much. 

Every morning, they woke up with some part of their bodies still touching. Neither mentioned it, yet neither retreated from it. It sustained them in their uncertainty, this contact. It reassured them the other was still there, still beside them. For now.


	7. Chapter 7

When Saturday afternoon arrived, Stef eagerly put on her running clothes and headed out for her weekly jog. She tried to keep her pace even, running more for the pleasure of it than the workout. This time alone had become an opportunity to either think about positive things, like her children’s successes or a good day at work, or a chance to simply clear her mind. It helped her be in the right mental space when she and Lena met up on the beach. She could focus on what the book directed, rather than hanging onto unrelated stress. This week’s session was certain to be a difficult one, so she did her best to empty her mind of any other concerns or distractions.

*****

Lena worked in the garden and gave into the cliched thoughts that accompanied it. She thought about the metaphorical seeds she and Stef had planted in their children and the work they had put in to help them grow into healthy young adults. Sometimes one or the other needed more water or sun, or to have the weeds around them pulled, but she and Stef always found a way to take care of them.

But she and Stef hadn’t given the same care to nurturing themselves or each other. Was it possible that paying more attention would be enough to make them healthy again, or was the damage too deep in their roots that no amount of effort could save them? It felt like they were doing the right things to at least give their relationship a chance, but Lena knew there was still so much unresolved.

She was so engrossed in her thoughts she lost track of time and realized when she finally checked her watch that she was going to be a few minutes late meeting Stef.

*****

Stef stood, facing the water, in her running clothes. Lena hadn’t arrived yet, and Stef’s anxiety grew as the minutes passed. The relaxed state she had achieved with her run was ebbing away. She turned to scan the parking lot for Lena’s car one more time and saw her wife was already walking towards her. Lena was carrying her sandals, and her long skirt blew around her legs. The sun was still high enough to catch Lena’s hair in its light, and Stef was reminded of the day they met. She thought Lena was as beautiful as an angel then, and time had only magnified that belief. 

The urge to move towards Lena, to take her face in her hands and kiss her lips, overwhelmed Stef. When was the last time they had kissed? It was the day Lena confessed her kiss with Monte, Stef realized with a pang. They had managed perfunctory pecks since then, but there had been no intimacy of any kind. There was a wariness they hadn’t been able to work around.

She was still so in love with her wife - did that mean she would let her go, if that’s what Lena wanted, or that she would fight to keep her? Stef sent a fleeting prayer to a God she sometimes still believed in that Lena would simply want to stay.

Lena arrived in front of Stef and dropped her shoes. The naked desire on Stef’s face surprised her. Stef had been so guarded since they began their sessions, even more so in the past week. But for just a moment, Lena could see again how intense Stef’s feelings for her were.

Without another thought, Lena pulled Stef into a tight embrace. She could feel the dampness of Stef’s sweaty tank top, but she didn’t care. Stef reciprocated the hug, burying her face in Lena’s neck. They stood that way for a long minute, silently communicating, as they had twelve years before, not far from that spot, how much they loved each other.

“Are you ready for this?” Stef asked, as they finally pulled apart.

“As I’ll ever be,” Lena replied.

They sat in the sand, this time facing each other, and Stef opened to chapter six. “‘Grounded in Conflict. Conflict is healthy, when expressed appropriately. You and your partner will not always agree on everything. Fighting fair, using the ground rules we outlined in chapter one, is key. Our goal is not to help you eliminate conflict, but to get to the root of it. Often, what you fight about on the surface isn’t the true source of your struggles. This chapter will walk you through an exploration of what you and your partner have conflict over and what its roots are. If you can get dig deeper and find the seed, we hope you will be able to nourish it so that it grows into something healthy. As we have in previous chapters, we encourage you to look to your history to understand your present. What was your first fight about?’”

Stef looked at Lena and smiled. “Whether or not sushi was actual food?”

Lena laughed, but then sobered. “We may have had joking disagreements early on, but our first real fight came a few months after we got together.”

Stef nodded. “When I ditched you to take care of Mike when he fell off the wagon.”

“When that phone call came, you ran out the door with barely a word to me, other than to ensure I could stick around and take care of Brandon,” Lena remembered.

“He’s my son’s father, and he was in trouble.” Stef’s voice was weary - she had defended herself about this enough times.

“And you felt guilty, like his choices were your fault.”

“Yes.”

Lena wanted to say more, but they had been through all of this. “What’s the next question from the book?”

“‘What was your most recent fight about? Choose the one closest to the point at which you decided to utilize this book, not any disagreements you have had as you worked through these exercises.’” Stef was already flinching internally, knowing this was an opportunity for Lena to rehash all the bad decisions she had made lately. 

“I guess that would be you bringing home Ana without giving me a heads-up,” Lena answered.

“You wanted to adopt Ana’s baby, so I was doing my part to protect our family,” Stef retorted.

“Right, because it’s your job to do that by yourself. I’m just a helpless damsel in distress?”

“You’re putting words in my mouth, and that’s not fair.”

“Fine. What’s the next question?” Lena decided to let the individual incident go, in favor of tackling the larger problem.

“‘What do these two have in common?’”

“Mike,” was Lena’s instant answer.

“Mike?” Stef was confused.

“If you hadn’t meddled in his life and made sure Ana moved out of his apartment, she wouldn’t have needed rescuing from the terrible place she landed in afterwards.”

“Fine, so we fight about Mike. What’s underneath that? Jealousy?” Stef asked.

Lena wanted to immediately deny it - she wasn’t afraid of Stef and Mike getting back together - but there were other kinds of jealousy.

“Maybe in some way,” she admitted. “He’s still such a high priority to you, sometimes more so than I am.”

“He’s still family.”

Lena knew what that meant to Stef. She would do anything to protect the people she loved, who she considered part of her family, even if her methods were frustrating to that family member or, apparently, illegal. 

“It’s not fair for you to use that as an explanation and think it means you can do whatever you want. You said to Callie that the ends justify the means, but there are limits to that.” Lena kept her voice as neutral as she could.

“I know,” Stef agreed. “I’ve shut you out, and that’s not okay. I see that now. But it’s not just that. What’s underneath?”

Lena took a moment to consider why Stef’s relationship with Mike was such a source of conflict over the years.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m on the outside of the family. That I’m not included in that group you’d work so hard to protect. Mike was there first.” She paused, then went on. “So was Brandon.”

“You resent having come into an existing, if fractured, family, rather than building one of your own.” Stef rubbed her hand over her face. “I always worried about this. When we first got together, didn’t I ask if you were sure you wanted to take on the issues that came with dating a parent? And you always said it was fine.” 

Lena shrugged and gave Stef a small smile. “I was already so in love with you. I thought that was all I needed.” 

“And what do you think now?”

Lena’s answer was halting - she knew they were getting to the heart of things, but she didn’t want to hurt Stef any more than she already had. “We moved in together so quickly, in part because of Mike.”

“Dating a single mom wasn’t so easy when she suddenly had full custody.” Stef remembered the struggle of those first few months when Mike was no longer able to care for Brandon because his drinking was out of control again. She and Lena could no longer enjoy weekends alone - suddenly the only way for them to spend time together was at Stef’s house, with Brandon.

“It was the end of the bubble for sure.” The time they spent alone together in the beginning had been magical, but it wasn’t grounded in day-to-day reality. “We made the practical choice - everything was easier if we just lived together.”

“Are you saying you wish you hadn’t moved in with us?” Stef asked.

“Maybe not so soon,” Lena acknowledged. “Maybe if we’d had more time before then -”

“Maybe you would have decided against it at all.” Stef didn’t like where this conversation was going. Did Lena regret their entire relationship? Were the cracks in their foundation this deep?

“I’d like to think I would have still moved in eventually. But, looking back, it feels like I didn’t have a choice.” At the time, it felt like the adult thing to do, like they were a team working together to make decisions. Now, she wondered how well they knew each other - or themselves - back then.

“A choice of what? When we made things permanent? Or who you were in a relationship with?” Stef tried to keep the panic out of her voice. 

Lena tried to explain something she was only beginning to understand. “You had a family before you met me, and I never got the chance to start one the way you did. At the time, I thought I was okay with it. But we were never not parenting. With Mike unreliable for a few years, we didn’t have a chance to build a life just the two of us. Then we brought the twins home so soon after I moved in, and that felt good. They were ours in a way Brandon would never be. And then Callie and Jude came into our lives, and it seemed crazy to want more kids, to want one who was biologically mine. But I did.”

“Why now? Why, after all these years, is this coming up? Coming between us?”

Lena still wasn’t sure. She thought about the past few months and all that had happened. “Brandon’s always had you and Mike, and that was okay. But then Ana came back into the twins’ lives, and she was actually getting it together. And there was Robert fighting to take Callie away, and even Jude’s dad is in the picture, if on the edges.”

“All those kids, and none of them was truly yours.” Stef didn’t believe this, but she realized now it was how Lena saw it.

“It seems so selfish to want someone who’s mine. Especially when we’ve told the kids so often how it’s love and not blood that makes a family.”

Stef put her arm around Lena and pulled her close. She kissed the top of her head and took a moment to just offer comfort to her wife. “I understand. There’s part of you that wishes you could have started a family on your own terms - not inheriting a pre-existing one that had all these complications.”

“Am I a terrible person if I say yes?” Lena looked up at Stef, surprised by the sympathy she saw in her eyes.

“Of course not. You don’t think I’ve ever wondered what it would have been like to have dated more than one woman?” Stef smiled.

Lena wasn’t sure where Stef was going with this, but she had to admit she hadn’t thought about it. “Do you really wish that?”

“Hell, no! Dating is terrible and terrifying - the beauty of our courtship notwithstanding - and I never want to have to go through that ever again. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be fleetingly curious in the confines of my own imagination. What if I had come out sooner? What if Mike and I had never gotten married? Would I have dated someone else before I met you?”

“Then there would be no Brandon - I know you’d never wish that.”

“But that’s just it - I can’t actually change the past, so there’s no harm in thinking about how things might have gone differently. Not in an obsessive, unhealthy way - just for the mental exercise of it. You don’t think I’ve fantasized, especially in Mike’s bad years, that Brandon was yours and mine from the beginning - that we were an uncomplicated family, just the three of us?”

Lena was touched. They had gotten to the root of things, and Stef understood. Was that it? How did they move forward from here, now that they had uncovered everything?

Stef went on, “It’s okay to have conflicting feelings - to wonder about what might have been without it undermining your current reality.” Here, she became tentative. “It’s when it goes beyond imagining that it becomes a problem. If your reality doesn’t satisfy you anymore - if you wonder if it ever did.”

She took a deep breath and let it out. “Lena, having Brandon, having been married to Mike, these aren’t behaviors I can change. They’re immutable facts. Can you accept them, or do you need to go off and start over with someone else - someone like Monte?”

Lena looked at Stef, who held up her hand. “Don’t answer that yet. I want you to take your time. This is twelve years of huge, and I need you to be sure when you tell me what you want.” She held back tears as she continued, “I want to fight for you, to beg you to stay with me, but if I do that, and if you say yes, we’ll just be putting a band-aid on things. So you need to decide if we’re enough - if I’m enough, just the way I am.” She managed a smile. “I don’t mean I won’t try harder to talk to you more and stop going off and making rash decisions - I mean can you be okay with who I am fundamentally as a person?”

They sat for another moment, shoulders touching, not speaking. It had gotten fully dark, and the only sound was the waves crashing against the sand.

Stef stood up. “I’m going to run home and give you time to think. I have one more question I want you to consider - if Frankie had lived, do you think we’d be here now, questioning our future? Would she have fixed things?”

Lena watched Stef jog off before she stood up and walked along the shore. She finally understood it wasn’t even Stef she was mad at - it was just their circumstances. She had blamed Stef for so much, and while Stef was far from perfect, Lena had allowed her own dissatisfaction push her away from her wife. She hadn’t tried all that hard to communicate with Stef when Stef’s behavior became more extreme. She hadn’t tried to understand what was causing it because she was caught up in her own issues. They were both grieving, and they left each other to do it alone. But it was deeper than that. Stef was right - Lena had to figure out if she could come to terms with never having the life she might have wanted.

Having a baby now wouldn’t change the past, and it was the past that Lena was stuck on. Nothing, not even Frankie, could turn back the clock and give Lena the experience of that phase of couplehood that preceded parenting. It would never happen for her. At least, not with Stef.

Lena pulled out her phone and dialed. When she heard her mother’s voice, she couldn’t speak. She tried to hold it back, but she began crying, finally letting out the emotions she had kept at bay while she and Stef talked.

“Oh, honey,” Dana’s voice was sympathetic. “What’s happened? Are you okay?”

Lena sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I don’t know. Stef and I finally got to the heart of things tonight.”

“And what did you find there?”

Lena didn’t answer directly. “Do you think it’s selfish to want a biological child, someone who came from your body?”

“Is this about Frankie? Is it your grief that drove a wedge between you and Stef? I know the death of a child can be devastating to a marriage.”

Lena considered before she answered. “It’s not just about losing Frankie. It’s about the entire life I didn’t get to have. I never got to be with Stef without any kids. We never got to raise an infant together, to go through all those milestones as a family.”

Dana paused before she responded. “My situation wasn’t so different from yours, you know? Oh, I know I had a baby of my own, and it’s not like Nathan lived with your father and me full-time, but I married a man with a child.”

“Was it hard? Do you regret not being able to experience things together for the first time?” Lena hadn’t thought about the similarities between herself and her mother.

“My only regret is that our relationship with Nathan is so strained. I know he said an awful thing, but he’s your father’s son, and he’s your brother. Was it hard? At times, yes. Your father was recently divorced when we met, and Nathan was very young. He spent time with us regularly, and it wasn’t easy to navigate the step-parent role. I know there were bumps for you and Brandon as well.”

“Nothing like with you and Nathan,” Lena interjected.

“But there were times when Brandon struggled with having three parents, as did you.”

“True. When I moved in, it changed things between Brandon and me. I had been a visitor, and now I was taking up his space and his mom’s attention even more. And I was the one driving him to school and picking him up. I think he felt a little weird about getting a ride with a staff member. It was a lot of change all at once”

“But you adjusted. Even biological parents go through challenging times with their kids. The points of contention might be different, but it’s inevitable.”

“I know,” Lena laughed, remembering her own conflicts with her mother. While it took various forms over the years, it still happened on a semi-regular basis. “I still think about what a different path would have looked like. One that included me having a baby.”

“Lena, you have done a beautiful, admirable thing all these years. You have loved five children exactly as though they were your own. You have loved them when their biological parents failed them, and you have raised them to be delightful young adults. I understand, especially in the wake of Frankie’s loss, that you would still feel on the outside, but I’m here to tell you your family is remarkable, and you are an integral part of it.“

Lena’s eyes pricked again. Hearing such sentiments from her seemingly-difficult-to-please mother meant the world to her. “Thanks, Mom. That helps. A lot.”

“There are no guarantees in life, honey - there is no normal. I know you lament that there are experiences you’ll never have. You have to decide if the possibility of those are worth leaving behind what you do have now.”

“Part of me realizes how insane it seems for me to even be considering this. But the rest of me know if I don’t face this now it’ll always loom over my relationship with Stef, even my relationship with my kids.”

“I know, baby. I love you. Call me any time you need to.”

“I will. I love you, too. Thanks for listening.”

“Always.”


	8. Chapter 8

The next week was as tense as the one before. Stef continued to be torn between her ego and her heart. She knew it wasn’t fair to herself to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to be with her or who couldn’t accept her fully. But she couldn’t imagine life without Lena, let alone one in which she and Lena still had to see each other over awkward custody exchanges.

Lena spent the week in her own head, imagining a different past, trying to decide if she wanted a chance at a future other than the one she was on track to have. There wasn’t just the issue of the life she would be pursuing - there was also the question of whether or not she and Stef could get out of the unhealthy patterns they had gotten into. She saw that Stef was trying to open up more, but what would happen the next time one of their kids or Mike got into trouble? Would Stef ride off on her white horse and leave Lena behind again?

All that was put aside after a family night of putting together a 1000-piece puzzle. Even the kids were subdued, just listening to music and commenting on how difficult the sky sections were. It was Frankie’s due date. Once the puzzle was finally complete, the kids each gave Stef and Lena a solemn hug and kiss and went to bed with no complaints.

Stef looked at Lena and held out her hand. She led them outside to Frankie’s tree. They stood side by side in silence, with their arms around each others’ waists. Lena put her head on Stef’s shoulder and thought about her question from the beach. Would their relationship be in such jeopardy if Frankie had lived? It was impossible to say, but she imagined the stress of a sixth child, a helpless baby, would definitely have added to their tension. It would have added to their joy as well, no doubt, but who could say which one would have outweighed the other?

Just as she couldn’t change her past by imagining a different one, Lena couldn’t predict an imagined future. She told herself that Frankie’s birth would have brought her and Stef closer, that the baby would have been a blessing to their whole family. But she would not let that possibility, now gone, sour her present. They were where they were, and that was that. It was her path for the future she had to figure out now.

Stef heard Lena sniff and turned to see tears streaming down her wife’s face. She rubbed them away gently with her thumbs and pulled Lena to her. Letting her own tears fall, she embraced Lena tightly. There were no words to make it right, no condolences to soften the hurt. They simply grieved together, knowing the pain was both of theirs. 

It was overwhelming for Stef. To finally be able to connect with Lena like this, for both of them to be this open, was cathartic. But on the heels of that thought came the one that said it could all be over soon. Lena could choose to leave. And what cold comfort would Stef’s pride be if she were alone?

She dropped to her knees and pressed her forehead against Lena’s belly. “We never even knew her, and yet I love her and I miss her.”

She looked up at Lena, making no effort to hide her tears. Lena nodded, her own tears flowing as well.

“I do know you,” Stef continued, trying to keep her voice from breaking. “And I love you, too. And if I were to lose you, missing you isn’t even in the ballpark of what I would feel. I told you I would let you decide - that I wouldn’t beg.”

She shook her head and chuckled ruefully. “Someone told me I should make sure I think about what makes me happy, not just what makes you happy.”

Lena’s brow furrowed briefly - in their earliest conversation about Monte she had pressed Stef to tacitly admit she wasn’t happy either, but they hadn’t really discussed what it was Stef might be missing from their relationship. What if there was something insurmountable on Stef’s end they hadn’t explored?

Stef went on, “You know what makes me happy?”

Lena shook her head, suddenly desperate to hear the answer.

“Making you happy.”

Lena’s lip trembled, and she covered her mouth to hold back a sob. Was it really that simple?

“If that’s my purpose, if that’s what I want, why shouldn’t I fight for you? Why shouldn’t I plead with you not to leave? If that makes me a doormat, so be it. I’m your doormat.”

Both women laughed, and the tension was broken for a moment. Lena reached down and held Stef’s cheek in her hand.

Stef continued, “There’s never going to be a world in which I don’t hurt if you hurt. And if I’ve been the cause of some of that hurt lately, I’ll do better. If you want to try again to have a baby, I’m all in. Just don’t leave me. I’m not me without you.” 

Stef couldn’t hold it together any longer. She buried her face in her hands and cried, letting out all the fear and pain.

There was no logical weighing of options for Lena - just the instinct to comfort the woman she loved. She knelt down with Stef and wrapped her arms around her wife. When Stef stilled, Lena lifted her chin to look into her eyes.

“Stefanie Marie Adams Foster - you’re a piece of work, but you’re my piece of work. I accept you - every single thing that makes you who you are, from now until the end of time. I love you.”

Stef recognized Lena’s wedding vows, originally spoken just feet from where they currently knelt, and felt hope for the first time in weeks.

“Really?” she asked, fresh tears escaping her eyes, this time happy ones.

“Really.” Lena was sure. With a clarity she hadn’t felt in months, she knew this was what she wanted - to be with Stef, always.

“Oh, thank goodness.” Stef smiled and squeezed Lena’s hand. “And for the record, you’re still the person I’ve been waiting for my whole life, and I am so proud and lucky to have found you. I love you so much.”

Lena appreciated the paraphrasing of Stef’s own vows, touched she still had them memorized. She kissed Stef gently, trying to convey the depth of her commitment.

Soft as it was, it took Stef’s breath away. Her eyes stayed closed for a moment after the kiss ended, and she took a moment to silently thank whatever it was in the universe that had allowed her prayer to be answered.

She opened her eyes and asked, “So, what now?”

Lena stood, helping Stef up in the process. “Now? Now, we go to bed and hold each other close. Saturday, we continue as we have with the book, but now we focus on how to be together in the healthiest way possible, not whether or not we should be together.”

Stef took a deep breath and let it out. There was still work to do - pretending there wasn’t would land them back where they started sooner or later. So they would work - together.

They went inside and changed for bed, then tossed the pillows onto the floor with a laugh. 

Though they hadn’t built one in a few weeks, Lena still felt the need to say it: “No more pillow walls.”

“Agreed.” Stef slipped into bed and held out her arms for Lena. 

Lena laid her head on Stef’s shoulder and wrapped her arms around her wife. Stef’s arms tightened around Lena, and she tangled their legs together. Thusly cocooned, they drifted off into the most restful sleep either had had in months.

*****

Lena awoke the next morning, now spooning a still-sleeping Stef. The cliche “a weight had been lifted” had never felt more apt. She felt more content than she had in months, the sense of anxiety and irritation no longer present. She looked at Stef and just felt love, not frustration. 

She raised up on her elbow and brushed a lock of hair away from Stef’s face. She kissed her wife’s temple, then snuggled back down into the warmth of the covers. 

Stef stirred and rolled over to face Lena. “Good morning,” she said sleepily.

“It is, isn’t it?” Lena couldn’t help but lean over and kiss Stef, despite knowing Stef’s preference for brushing her teeth prior to such activities. There had been too many missed kisses, and Lena didn’t want to take them for granted anymore.

Stef didn’t protest, returning Lena’s kiss instinctively. After a few blissful moments, she pulled back. “Are we really okay? I mean, not totally, but better?” 

She buried her head in Lena’s shoulder for a moment, then looked up again. “You’re not leaving?”

Lena smiled. “I’m not leaving.” 

Stef smiled back and kissed Lena one more time. Knowing that made the work ahead feel like something they could do alongside each other, rather than facing off opposite each other.

Lena wanted to share her sense of being on the other side of something, but she wasn’t sure quite how to describe it. “I think Frankie’s due date was weighing on me more than I realized.”

Stef tried to roll with the seeming non sequitur. She realized Lena hadn’t said a word about Frankie the night before. Congratulating herself on remembering her active listening skills, she nodded and maintained eye contact to encourage Lena to continue.

“I know I said I was okay, but I think there was a part of me that held onto the knowledge that she should still have been inside me. In trying to stuff it down, it may have come out in some other ways.”

Stef wanted to say, ‘Like Monte,’ but she stayed silent. 

“I’m not saying you and I didn’t have very real issues, but I may have focused on them in order to avoid dealing with my grief,” Lena went on. “I think I was depressed.”

Though spoken in an understated way, it felt like a bombshell to Stef. She wasn’t sure what to do with that information. Did that mean their conflict was caused by something neither she nor Lena could control? Had Stef made things worse by not seeing it, not being supportive?

“Was?” was all she could think of to respond.

“Am? Was? I’m not sure. All I know is I feel different today than yesterday. I’m not saying Frankie’s due date was a magical line in the sand and, having crossed it, I’m totally better. I’ll always grieve her loss and wonder what things would be like if she were with us. And it’s not like there’s an on/off depression switch. Maybe it’s a spectrum, and I’m moving back towards the not depressed side. The work we’ve been doing and the conversation we had last night seem to have made a big difference.”

“That’s good.” Stef was still processing. 

Lena continued hesitantly. “I think it might be good for me to talk about this with a professional. We have employee assistance benefits at work, and even though this isn’t a work-related issue, I think I could get a few free sessions this way. I could probably do it at lunch time, too, so it wouldn’t take up time outside of the work day.”

Stef felt terrible that she had given Lena the message that getting help was too expensive or time-consuming to pursue. Her own fears about marriage counseling shouldn’t keep Lena from what she needed.

“Oh, Love, your health - mental, or physical or whatever - is more important than anything. I wouldn’t tell the kids they couldn’t go to the doctor if they broke their arm, even if it cost tons of money. If this is what you need, then it’s worth it. Free services are great, but we’ll find a way to afford anything you need.”

Stef held Lena’s face and kissed her. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t take care of yourself - or us, for that matter. If counseling is what any of us needs, we should take advantage of it. If I’m allowed to come too, sometimes, maybe I could talk to your therapist as well. It’s not like I handled my grief in totally healthy ways.”

Lena smiled. “Sounds good. Thank you for understanding. Now, as much as I’d love to stay in bed with you all day, we’d better get up. It’s a school day.”

*****

As they went through the morning routine of making lunches and getting the kids breakfast, Stef and Lena brushed against each other comfortably, no longer avoiding each other. It was like magnets that had flipped - instead of an invisible force pushing them apart when they were in the same space, they gravitated towards each other. 

While it wasn’t the same feeling of their old vibe, Stef considered that maybe it was even better. They were committed to working together on whatever came their way, rather than not addressing the tension that built over the previous months and even years. There was a certainty she hadn’t felt in a long time. It felt good to be married and to know moving in separate directions wasn’t on the table.

Lena’s smile at Stef’s corny jokes was genuine, not the forced laugh she mustered up even when things had been okay. She appreciated her wife and everything that made her who she was. They had chosen each other, for better or for worse, and that made the future seem like something she could handle, not something to fear.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lena could see the girls trying to silently communicate with each other. While the boys obliviously ate their cereal, Mariana and Callie were doing some sort of eyebrow raising and head nodding thing that seemed to indicate they had caught onto their parents’ improved moods. It looked like they couldn’t convince each other to be the one to bring it up. She decided to put them out of her misery.

“Okay, kids, here’s the deal: your mom and I have been working really hard at our relationship, and it’s been going really well.”

Stef looked up from her coffee and couldn’t help her grin. She closed the two-inch gap between her and Lena and wrapped her free arm around Lena’s waist. 

“That’s right,” she added.

Lena continued, “And in the spirit of the transparency we promised, we want to let you know that we are more committed than ever to each other and this family.”

“So you’re okay?” Mariana asked.

“You’re not getting a divorce?” Jesus piped up.

“Yes and yes,” Stef answered.

“Wow, that must have been some book,” was Brandon’s comment.

Stef laughed and playfully whacked him on the head. “Any other questions? Comments?”

Callie and Jude glanced at each other. Jude spoke up. “Just that we’re happy. You guys are awesome parents, and we want you to stay all of our parents forever. Together.”

Lena gave his shoulder a squeeze, along with Callie’s, then leaned down and kissed each of their cheeks. “We love you.”

She stood up. “We love all of you.”

Jesus waved his hand and shoveled in one last bite of cereal. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone loves everyone. Now let’s go to school before we’re late.”


	9. Chapter 9

Stef was standing in the surf, cooling her feet after her run, when Lena arrived for their usual Saturday session. Dropping her shoes next to Stef’s, Lena joined her wife on the edge of the water.

“Hey,” Stef greeted Lena with a smile. It was the first time she hadn’t looked anxious on a Saturday afternoon since they had started the book.

Lena kissed her. “Hey yourself. Is it weird I missed you, even though we were apart for less than an hour?”

Stef’s face lit up. Hearing Lena acknowledge how much she still cared about her meant the world to her. “Not at all. I almost ditched the run just to stay home and watch you garden or whatever it is you do on Saturdays.”

“I imagine there will be something of a second honeymoon effect from recommitting, eh?”

“A second honeymoon? We never had the first one! Not when we moved in together, and not when we got married.”

Lena laughed. “True. But you know what I mean. Think back to the first few months we were dating.”

Stef did. She raised an eyebrow. “That kind of honeymoon, huh? Sounds great.”

A slightly awkward silence followed. Affection and innuendo were safe, but both women knew restarting their sex life might be complicated.

“So, are you ready for today’s chapter?” Stef asked, hoping her change of subject wasn’t too clumsy.

“Definitely.”

They sat down, and Stef opened the book. “‘Blossoming into the Future.’ I see what they did there - cute. ‘We hope that the work you have done up to this point has laid a strong foundation for considering your future. You have explored your personal and collective history, as well as the source of your conflict. Hold this information in your mind as you go through the next exercise. We want you to consider what you would feel if your relationship were to end. Why look from this angle? It is one thing to admit you are unsatisfied with the current state of your relationship, but it is another to truly explore the consequences of ending it. This exercise can give you a sense of certainty around the decision you will ultimately make.’”

“Do we have to do this exercise?” Lena asked. “We’ve made our decision.”

“I think we should do it,” Stef answered, surprising them both. “This book has been really helpful so far, and if there’s a benefit in this step I think we should take it.”

“Fair enough. What are we supposed to do?”

“‘First, imagine you will never see your partner again. Starting from this extreme will help you determine what level of relationship you desire with your partner - lover, friend, co-parent, none? Name the feelings you experience. Do you feel relieved? Bereft? Apathetic?’” 

Stef stopped reading and looked at Lena. Bereft sounded pretty accurate. There really weren’t words to describe how awful life without Lena would be. She acknowledged to herself that she had taken her wife for granted lately. She had done things her way and assumed Lena wouldn’t have her own opinion about what should happen. She forgot she was one half of a partnership and that by joining her life with Lena’s she gave up the right to make decisions that would seriously affect both of them without Lena’s input. Almost losing Lena was definitely a wake-up call.

Lena imagined Stef being out of her life completely. She pictured herself turning to talk to someone who wasn’t there, wanting to share things but being alone. It was like contemplating having her arm being cut off and continuing to try to pick things up. She didn’t think she could ever get used to it. Why had she considered it in the first place? Frustration? Sadness? A need for change? Whatever she had wanted, it wasn’t to never see Stef again.

“There aren’t really words, are there?” Lena asked. “Devastated comes to mind. Shattered.”

Stef appreciated hearing Lena’s feelings. She wanted to be confident in Lena’s decision, but there was a tiny part of her that still flinched internally, wondering if Lena would strike that blow.

“Absolutely. Wrecked, depressed, lost,” Stef added. She picked up the book, wanting to move to the next instructions. Maybe she should have agreed to Lena’s suggestion that they skip this exercise.

“‘Now that you have considered your feelings, consider the practical repercussions of separating. Does the thought of breaking up your household fill you with a sense of hope and excitement, or does it cause you stress and sadness? What would life be like if your paths were to diverge? What opportunities would it bring? What obstacles would it create? We are not advocating for staying in an unhealthy relationship for practical reasons - we simply want you to consider the totality of your situation and not rely solely on your emotions for making your decision.’”

Lena smiled, which threw Stef. “My mom already painted me this picture, and it wasn’t pretty.”

Stef smiled tentatively. Knowing they weren’t seriously considering separating made it possible to imagine without fear. She tried to see the light side of the exercise. “Can you see each of us trying to get the kids out the door in the morning with no backup? We’d be late every day.”

“We’d already be broke, since we’d have to have separate residences, and then we’d likely lose our jobs due to tardiness.”

“And can you see us trying to date someone new?” Stef’s stomach turned at the thought, but there was something funny about it. “‘Hi, I’d like to introduce you to my five teenage kids. Want to come over for dinner?’”

“‘I’m sorry, I can’t have dinner with you until a slot opens up in my schedule in three months.’” Lena laughed.

Stef sobered suddenly. “You’d be free half the time. Assuming we were trying to avoid each other, you’d be all alone in some apartment when the kids were with me. You remember when Brandon was with Mike on weekends. It left plenty of time for dating. It came with some awful other effects, but there was no shortage of free time.”

“Right. Well, I think we’ve painted a bleak enough picture. Let’s not continue to imagine awkward graduations and weddings and arguments about parenting. What’s the next step? Stab yourself in the eyeball just to experience true pain?” Having made their decision, Lena wasn’t interested in belaboring it.

Stef scanned the pages. “Let’s move on to the ‘how to improve your relationship should you choose to stay’ section.”

“Agreed. We know we want to be together. We just want being together to be better. Easier?” Lena looked to Stef to hear the word she would fill in that blank.

“Happier? Less tense?” Stef offered.

“Exactly. So how does the book say we should go about that?”

“We’re supposed to describe what happiness would look like moving forward.”

Both sat for a moment to contemplate. If they looked past their grief and the recent threats to their family, and if they considered the roots of their conflict as the book instructed them, what would a better state of affairs be?

Lena answered first, her tone gentle. “I wouldn’t want to be shut out, the last to know.”

Stef nodded. “The book says to phrase it in the positive. So, maybe something like me including you in making decisions?”

Lena appreciated Stef taking a stab at defining how her own behavior could change. “Exactly. I want us to be a team,” she agreed. “And sometimes all I need is for you to listen.”

Stef smiled. “I’m working on that. This book has really helped me remember how important it is.” 

Knowing constructive feedback was never easy to hear, Lena bit the bullet and asked for Stef’s thoughts about her behavior.

Stef thought for a moment before responding. “I want to not feel judged immediately. Listen to what I have to say and why I’m saying it.”

“I can do that - at least, I can try harder.” Lena smiled. 

“And sometimes I need space,” Stef added. “I’m not always ready to talk about things. It’s not that I’m trying to shut you out - it’s that I need a minute to think things through.”

“Fair enough. But if it looks like you’re going to take action before we’ve talked about something, I reserve the right to push you to talk first.”

Stef smiled ruefully. “I really took you for granted these past few months, maybe years. I didn’t see how what I was doing was hurting you, hurting us. I put you last - I’m sorry for that.”

Lena leaned over and kissed Stef. “We both made impulsive decisions that affected our family, and we both got caught up in other people instead of each other. So no more apologizing. We’ll just both do our best to do things differently when problems arise in the future.”

“And you know they will. Five teenagers - what were we thinking?” Stef laughed. 

“They’re pretty great teenagers, all things considered,” Lena had seen worse behavior from the kids she encountered at Anchor Beach. 

“So how do we train ourselves to do things differently?” Stef asked. “I get that we both want our relationship to be better, but it can’t be that simple.”

“What does the book say?” Lena asked.

Stef scanned for a moment. “It suggests we come up with a secret signal for letting each other know if we’re falling back into old behaviors. It’s meant more for things that happen in front of other people. I feel like we did a good job of keeping our disagreements private, but I suppose it might be a less accusatory way to call each other out, even when it’s just us.”

“Like a safe word?” Lena smirked.

Stef laughed. “Something like that. So if I start getting all secretive you’re supposed to say, I don’t know, ‘porcupine chowder,’ and that’ll clue me in to talk to you about it?”

“That’s not our safe word,” Lena reminded Stef.

“I know it’s not - using that in public would be creepy!” 

“Also, porcupine chowder would make an awful safe word.”

*****

Stef insisted on choosing the activity for family night that week, and though she included the kids, she wouldn’t tell Lena what the plan was.

“Why are we at the school?” Lena asked when they pulled up.

“All in good time,” Stef promised. She pulled Lena ahead while the kids rummaged around in the back of the SUV. 

When they approached the softball field, Lena finally peeked behind her to see the kids carrying bats and balls and gloves.

“Aw, you guys - we’re playing softball?” Lena was touched they’d all agree to play her favorite sport. She knew Mariana and Callie were hardly into organized sports, and Jude was happier in front of a video game than on a field.

“How are we going to do this?” she asked. “Is the Brady Bunch coming to play against us, or are we all covering two positions?”

Jesus laughed. “We figured we could live without a catcher, and we can just rotate through as batters while everyone else plays in the field. We’ll have enough to cover each base and have two outfielders.”

“I call outfield!” Mariana shouted.

“Me too?” Callie sounded less confident in her choice. “Is that where I won’t have to catch as many balls? Because I’m really not very good.”

“Not yet,” Lena replied. “Give it a few weeks, and I’ll have all of you fielding grounders like pros.”

The Adams Fosters laughed their way through two rotations of batters before it got too dark to play anymore.

“That was surprisingly fun,” Jude commented. His experience with Connor and his dad at the batting cages had been less than inspiring.

“Yeah,” Brandon agreed. “Nice homer, Mama.” 

“I’ve still got it,” Lena bragged, slinging her arm around her son.

“Yeah, you do,” Stef agreed with a waggle of her eyebrows and a slap on Lena’s ass.

“Hey! Hands off the star player!” Mariana admonished.

“It’s what athletes do,” Stef defended herself. “Back me up, Jesus.”

“I want to say yes, but not if it means you’re going to touch Mama’s butt again. Seriously, you guys are gross.”

Lena laughed, feeling happier than she had in a very long time.


	10. Chapter 10

“Blossoming in the bedroom?’ Should we be doing this here?” Stef looked around, as though a passing beachcomber might overhear them.

“I guess we should have read ahead for once. Oh well. If they want us to start giving each other intimate massages we’ll just take things to the car.” Lena gave Stef a knowing look, and Stef’s expression in return could only be described as a leer.

“That was so hot,” Stef breathed.

“Yeah, it was.” Lena couldn’t take her eyes off of Stef’s. She swallowed audibly, suddenly feeling like prey about to be devoured.

“Maybe we can just skip this chapter and try a repeat of that night,” Stef suggested with a lift of her eyebrow.

“Hm. Tempting. Maybe we can do both.”

“Sold. Here we go. ‘Once you have gotten to the root of your conflict and begun to address it, this chapter is focused on reconnecting physically. We do not buy into stereotypes about lesbian bed death, but we imagine intimacy may have been part of your conflict. Couples experiencing struggles in other areas of their lives are understandably less inclined towards physical intimacy during those times. We don’t want you to work through this chapter until you feel ready - the intensity of uncovering the source of your challenges can leave you disinclined to be touched. But don’t wait for your relationship to be perfect - getting intimacy back on track takes work and will have its uncomfortable moments.’ Geez, they make it sound like a root canal.”

“I’m sure it’ll be more fun than that,” Lena reassured Stef.

“Here we go with the questions: ‘When did you first become intimate? What feelings did you experience?’ That’s easy - desperate - I felt desperate.” 

Lena laughed, remembering Stef’s assertion she might explode if they didn’t have sex. She thought about the path they took to get to that moment and realized their communication issues started at the very beginning.

“We didn’t do a great job talking about sex back then - we just avoided it until we couldn’t anymore,” she said.

“Come on, does any new couple do a great job of it? How fun would that be? ‘Darling, before we take off our clothes, could you please outline for me your favorite positions and the frequency with which you desire relations?’” Stef mocked in a terrible British accent.

Lena rolled her eyes. “Still, we could have talked at all about it before we just jumped into bed. We both made assumptions about what the other was thinking, but we never asked.”

“I wouldn’t say we just jumped into bed.” Stef knew Lena was a little sensitive about how quickly she had sex with Gretchen and how that had factored into that relationship’s issues. “We spent months getting to know each other, and there was plenty of making out and stuff before we slept together.”

Lena wasn’t going to give up that easily. “You have to admit you wondered what I was thinking back then, but you didn’t ask. I know I did. I was so worried about overwhelming you after coming out, and I didn’t want to pressure you.”

Stef squeezed Lena’s hand. “You’re sweet. But there’s no way you’re going to taint the memories of that night. It was amazing. You were ridiculously hot.” She leaned forward and spoke into Lena’s ear. “Remember how you almost came before you were even naked?”

Lena shivered. She did remember. “You’re right. That was the best first sex I’ve ever had.”

“I should hope so,” Stef murmured before pulling back.

“So our first time being intimate was fantastic, and we had gooey feelings about it. What’s next?”

“‘When were you last intimate? What feelings did you experience? How were they the same or different from your first time?’”

“Yikes.” The mood shifted. Lena had to think about the question, which was a bad sign in and of itself.

Stef tried to soften her words, but there was no way to ask the question without sounding bitter. “Are we counting the night you told me you kissed another woman?”

Lena frowned. “We never even got to second base, so it doesn’t count. Let’s not use that night to assess our feelings.”

Stef nodded. It would certainly skew the conversation if they delved into that. If the purpose was to get deeper into their usual intimacy issues, she could let that night go.

“Well, I think the one before that was the night of wine and applesauce,” Stef remembered.

“Wow, that’s not a whole lot better.” Lena still wasn’t over Stef faking an orgasm. At least she had the decency to admit she wasn’t going to have one that night.

“Aw, come on. It wasn’t that bad. I mean, it wasn’t the best ever, but we were tired. And we had some good snuggles.”

Stef’s puppy dog eyes were not going to sway Lena. When she thought about it, that night was the perfect one to use as an example. They weren’t connected, they didn’t communicate, and the whole thing felt like an obligation.

“It wasn’t ideal. And it felt nothing like our first time.”

Stef couldn’t deny that. “I wanted to want to that night. It had been awhile since we had done it, and I knew it was important to not end up like some of our friends. But I guess that’s not a good reason to have sex.”

Lena thought about it. “Maybe the better thing to do would have been to work on the things that would have made us want to get sweaty and naked, rather than making a halfhearted stab at it.”

Stef smiled at Lena’s imagery. “Like what?”

“Like talking and feeling connected in ways other than physically. Just spending time together doing something fun. Getting dressed up and going out to dinner. Going for a walk on the beach.”

“Date nights or something?” Stef asked. “That’s always sounded cheesy to me, but I can see now that if we don’t make time for each other it won’t just happen. Especially with five kids.”

“We’ve done a good job of maintaining these Saturday evening times - let’s just continue doing other things once we’ve finished the book,” Lena suggested.

“Perfect. Here’s the next question: ‘What’s the longest you’ve gone without intimacy? How does your relationship change when intimacy is more or less frequent?’”

“Wow, that’s a good question - both of them. I guess we’ve gone a few months, right?” Lena asked.

“More than once,” Stef concurred. “Those first few months of our relationship were amazing, but we certainly couldn’t sustain that kind of pace once Brandon was with us full time, even though we were living together.”

“And we never really came close to getting it back. Adding the twins certainly didn’t make it easier to have sex.”

“Poor guys. I think they spent more nights in our bed that first six months than out of it.” Stef smiled at the memory of the twins appearing at their bedroom door at midnight their first night in the house, holding hands. They didn’t say a word, but Stef understood how scary it was for them to sleep in a strange place. She just put them between herself and Lena, and they snuggled the children until they finally drifted off.

“We put our kids first, and I can’t regret that.”

“Me neither.”

“So, how do you think frequency of sex - or infrequency - affects us?” Lena asked, getting back to the exercise.

Stef thought for a moment. “When we have sex, I feel really close to you the next day. It’s like the hormonal high goes on past the actual event.”

Lena smiled at Stef’s description. “I know what you mean. And it’s not just the act of having an orgasm that does it - if I’m by myself, the lingering effects aren’t the same.”

Stef had to pause for a moment to appreciate the image that came to mind. She didn’t disagree with Lena’s point, but as long as they ended together, there was no reason Lena couldn’t start by herself. Then Stef could join her and...

Stef shook her head and tried to refocus. “So is it that simple? We should just have more sex, and we’d feel fantastic and connected all the time?” She was only half joking.

That sounded nice to Lena - a world where there was always ample time, and both of them were always in the mood.

“I suppose it’s not realistic to have sex every day or something,” Lena admitted. “But we could make it a higher priority.”

Stef grinned. “Maybe we should start renting a room by the hour on Saturday evenings, once we’re done with this book.” She thought back to their earlier discussion. “But we just said doing it because we feel like we should doesn’t really work for us. So we have to find time to do things that will make us want to have sex, and the time to actually have sex?”

Lena smirked. “Well, we could always just watch ‘Breakfast on Tiffany’ to speed things along.”

Stef smiled. She wrapped her arms around Lena and kissed her. “This is nice - us talking about a subject that used to be a big source of conflict without getting into a fight.”

Lena leaned her head on Stef’s shoulder. “We’ll figure it out. What matters is we both want to. I get what the book is saying - when people have other problems in their relationship, the last thing they want is to be physically intimate. And when that suffers, they don’t have all of the happy feelings from sex to keep them going and the problems get bigger.”

“It’s sort of a chicken/egg thing,” Stef observed. “If we can just have the sex, it’ll help us feel closer outside of the bedroom. And if we can feel closer outside of the bedroom we’ll want to have more sex.”

“So it doesn’t matter where we start, as long as we’re working on communicating and trying to stay close to each other.” This felt achievable to Lena. People talked about relationships being hard work, but in her mind, if spending time together - naked or otherwise - was such a chore then maybe it wasn’t worth it. She felt positive about the prospect of prioritizing time with Stef - there was nothing burdensome about it.

“I know it’s easier said than done, but yeah.” Stef smiled at Lena. “We got this.”

“We do.” 

*****

“Deja vu,” Stef observed with a raise of her eyebrow once Lena turned off the ignition.

Playing along, Lena ignored the fact that they had sat in the driveway infinitely more times without getting frisky than they had with that outcome. “Here we are again - you, me, a roomy back seat…”

“I don’t know that I’d call it roomy,” Stef laughed.

“Roomy enough to get the job done,” Lena replied with a smirk.

“Indeed.” Stef unbuckled and leaned over to kiss Lena.

Lena met her in the middle, caressing Stef’s face. Things heated up quickly, hands roving, lips exploring. Stef flashed back to their first kiss - it was a different car, but she felt the same sense of wanting to remember everything. It had been so long since she felt this close to Lena, this desirous to touch her.

Stef had just bitten down gently on Lena’s ear, when headlights illuminated the car. Lena pulled back with a disappointed whimper.

“Brandon’s home,” she stated.

“He’s grounded,” Stef growled, kissing Lena one last time before getting out of the car.

*****

After an hour of talking through Brandon’s latest troubles at Idyllwild, Stef finally made it to her bedroom, hoping to pick up where she and Lena left off in the car. Unfortunately, Lena was fast asleep, the lamp still on and her book still open.

Stef was touched that Lena clearly tried to stay awake. She turned off the light and slipped into bed, thankful Lena was still beside her. She spooned her wife tightly, and it was enough. 

*****

“Nice of the kids to let us have a morning alone together,” Lena commented as she leaned against the counter, sipping her coffee. 

“Usually Callie’s up at the crack of dawn to get to work. I guess she’s off today,” Stef replied. She ate the last bite of her toast, then realized her mug was just about empty. She walked to the coffee pot, purposefully brushing up against Lena in the process.

“Subtle, Foster.” Lena remembered Stef’s initial forays into affection and realized she hadn’t gotten any smoother over time.

“Hey, that’s Adams Foster to you.” Stef set her mug down and leaned towards Lena, her hands on the counter trapping Lena in place.

“So it is.” Lena put her coffee cup on the counter as well. She threaded her fingers through Stef’s hair and pulled her in for a kiss. Stef’s thigh landed between Lena’s.

“Mm,” Lena moaned, pulling Stef closer.

Stef slid her hands down to grab Lena’s ass, her squeeze bringing them together even more tightly.

“So, can I borrow your jacket or - hey, whoa, don’t you guys, like, have a bedroom for that?” Mariana and Callie walked into the kitchen at just the wrong time.

Stef and Lena broke apart. Stef tried to fix her mussed hair, and Lena nonchalantly refilled her coffee cup.

“It could be worse,” Callie commented with a smirk. “They could be fighting - or divorced. You should appreciate this, you know.”

“Fine. Whatever. My virgin eyes just don’t need to see it,” Mariana huffed.

“And a good morning to you too, ladies,” Stef finally recovered enough to speak.

“Not as good as it was shaping up to be,” Lena muttered under her breath.

*****

Sunday night was busy with the science project Jude forgot was due; Monday Stef had to work late; and Tuesday Mariana had a dance competition the whole family attended.

By Wednesday, Lena was feeling a lot like she had when she and Stef first got together. If they didn’t have sex soon, she might literally combust. She was determined to make it happen, confirming all of the kids had done their homework, ordering pizza and eating it on paper plates so dinner went quickly, and rejecting Stef’s suggestion of opening a bottle of wine - she wasn’t risking anything.

Lena closed the door behind them, glancing at the clock and realizing they hadn’t gone to bed this early in months.

“You think the kids suspect? That fake yawn was hardly Oscar-worthy,” Stef winked at Lena as she stripped off her shirt. 

Lena undressed quickly. “I don’t care. Now get naked,” she commanded.

“Yes Ma’am.” Stef complied and slipped under the covers of their bed.

Lena joined her, covering Stef’s body with her own. Her kisses were almost desperate, and Stef tried to slow things down a bit.

“You’re right,” Lena misinterpreted the reason Stef pulled back. “We should just get down to business.”

It wasn’t quite the reconnecting experience Stef had anticipated, but she supposed they had to start somewhere. There would be plenty of time in the future for more leisurely experiences.

Just as Lena started moving down her body -

“Moms, can I -”

“Knock!”

“Gross!”

****

“Mom, about that offer to come down and watch the kids while Stef and I go away…”


	11. Chapter 11

Stef felt off from the moment they left. There was something uncomfortable about a weekend away that both one’s in-laws and children knew was for the express purpose of having sex. It didn’t help that Dana and Stewart were paying for the whole thing. She tried to relax, but memories of their awkward babymoon didn’t help. When they checked in, the clerk seemed flustered, reminding Stef of the masseuse from their ill-fated couples massage. Being confined to one room made Stef feel claustrophobic. All of a sudden, it was like they were there to do one thing, and if it didn’t go well their relationship might be in jeopardy again.

Lena could sense Stef’s discomfort and tried to keep things light, even though what she really wanted to do was tear Stef’s clothes off the moment the door shut. 

“Relax, Stef,” she smiled. “I’m not going to bite. Unless you want me to.”

Her joke fell flat. Why was it so weird between them? They had had sex hundreds of times. After a week of interruptions, they should have been relieved for the privacy and thrown themselves into each other.

“Do you remember our first trip away?” Stef asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Lena sat down beside her, not touching. It felt like she was trying to keep a skittish cat from running away.

“Of course. We went to LA to see the sights. We barely made it out of the hotel room.” That weekend was one of a very few before Brandon was with them full-time. They had taken full advantage, spending more time naked than clothed.

“Do you think we can get that kind of feeling back?” Stef asked.

“It kind of felt like we were, minus the actual sex.” Lena hoped that sounded encouraging and not frustrated.

Stef shrugged and made a sound, and Lena wasn’t sure if she should interpret it as agreement or the opposite.

“We know each other too well now - it’s not new,” Stef argued.

Lena took a deep breath and let it out. “That doesn’t mean it can’t still be amazing. Sure, there’s something fun about discovering each other, but there’s something wonderful about already knowing too.”

“Great sex isn’t going to fix all the issues in our relationship,” Stef argued.

“Well, it’s sure not going to hurt.” Lena tried to keep her exasperation from becoming too obvious. “I thought you wanted this too. What’s going on?”

Stef sighed. “I don’t know. The pressure’s getting to me. Scheduled sex has always weirded me out. I know it’s about the only way old married couples can ever do it, but there’s something clinical about it that makes it hard to get in the mood.”

Lena rubbed Stef’s back in what she hoped was a comforting manner.

Stef continued, “I keep thinking about our babymoon and how out of synch we were, and how the last few times we actually had sex didn’t go so well, but then I think about how little time we have to be alone together and I think I should just suck it up and do it.”

“Well, that sounds like loads of fun.”

“You know what I mean - don’t you?” Stef looked over at Lena, then back at her hands. “Are you just totally in the mood and ready to go?”

Lena didn’t answer Stef’s question.

“Lie down,” she instructed.

Stef hesitated.

“I just want to help you relax. I promise, we won’t have sex unless you say so. There are other ways to be close with each other.”

“Is this some exercise from the book? Touch each other a bunch without having sex?” Despite her continual endorsement of the book, Stef was determined to remain skeptical.

Lena had flipped through enough to know that it was. But she wasn’t going to admit it, for fear Stef’s assessment of their interactions as clinical would be confirmed. Her goal wasn’t anything but reconnecting with her wife. She didn’t need a book to tell her how to feel desire, and she was confident in her ability to help her wife reciprocate.

“Just lie down, woman. Close your eyes if you want to. No pressure, no expectations.”

Stef looked wary, but she complied.

Lena started at Stef’s forehead. She placed a series of light kisses there, soothing the furrows from Stef’s brow. Scratching Stef’s scalp, she moved her lips to Stef’s cheek, then her ear.

Stef was still dubious, but she tried to inhale and exhale deeply and let some of the tension go out of her muscles. 

Lena kissed Stef’s neck, eliciting a shiver.

“Not exactly relaxing,” Stef commented with a smile, opening her eyes briefly.

Lena smiled back but didn’t say anything. She moved her mouth to Stef’s upper arm, needing to push up the sleeve in order to gain access.

“This would be easier if you weren’t wearing a shirt.”

Being oppositional on their weekend away did seem like an epically stupid thing to do. Stef decided to play along. There was no harm in letting Lena do whatever it was she was going to do. Stef sat up and stripped off her shirt, tossing it across the room. She laid back down and closed her eyes again.

Lena took a moment to appreciate the way Stef looked in her bra. Her body was toned, hardly changed from when they met thirteen years prior. Except for the scar on her abdomen. Lena couldn’t help but shudder. She gently caressed Stef’s arm, needing to touch her wife. It was an automatic response every time she looked at the scar, a reminder of how close they came to losing everything. 

Lena vowed to herself, one more time, not to take things for granted anymore, not to let their relationship atrophy. She pressed her lips to Stef’s arm again, her tongue snaking out to taste the crook of her wife’s elbow. She slowly made her way down to Stef’s fingers, taking the index all the way into her mouth and sucking. 

Stef’s heart rate suddenly increased. She couldn’t pretend this was relaxing anymore, but she was too curious about what Lena would do next to intervene. Thoughts of her mother-in-law and children had gone out of her head, and she was totally present with her wife. Whatever happened next could only be good. Unless Lena stopped.

Lena didn’t stop. She methodically gave attention to each finger, then switched to the other arm, giving it the same treatment. She regretfully passed over Stef’s breasts - she knew Stef was still a long way from insisting she touch them, but she was confident she would - and instead rubbed her cheek on Stef’s stomach. 

“Pants off,” she commanded, and Stef obeyed.

Lena ran her hands up and down Stef’s thigh, then followed with her mouth. When she made it to Stef’s feet, she gave them the same treatment she had her hands.

The toe sucking caused Stef to let out an involuntary moan. She was trying so hard to let things play out, to not rush them, but it felt incredible. Lena hadn’t done this in years, and the sensation was almost overwhelming. Just on the right side of ticklish, it sent jolts to other parts of her body as well.

Lena switched to the other foot, and Stef started to anticipate a highly satisfying end to this exercise. Lena’s mouth grew ever closer to the apex of Stef’s thighs, and Stef couldn’t help but spread her legs a bit.

Just as she was about to heed the yet-unspoken instructions to remove her underwear, she heard instead, “Roll over.”

Disappointed, but determined to let Lena have her way - in so many ways - she complied. Thankfully, Lena went ahead and slid Stef’s underwear down her legs. She kneaded Stef’s buttocks, then used her mouth.

Stef hadn’t been this turned on in longer than she could remember, and she knew there was more to go before Lena would satisfy her. Her wife was incredible - rather than letting Stef’s mood bring her down as well, she was turning this into an amazing encounter. Stef was determined to reciprocate somehow - she just didn’t have the available brain cells at the moment to figure out how.

Lena had moved on to Stef’s back, covering every inch with her lips and hands. When Stef’s bra got in the way, she unclasped it, then encouraged Stef to slip it off. She moved Stef’s hair away from her neck, then paused to appreciate this view as well. She quickly stripped off her own clothes, then laid down fully on top of Stef. 

Lena allowed herself a moment to enjoy how this felt for her - touching Stef had most definitely turned her on - then swiped her tongue against the back of Stef’s neck. She felt every inch of Stef’s shudder. She worked her way down this side, taking less time than the front. Her kisses were sloppier now, less controlled. If she was this close to the edge, she almost felt sorry for how keyed up Stef must be. 

When she had finally touched almost every inch of Stef’s body, she rolled Stef back over. Straddling her wife, hands on her shoulders, she looked into Stef’s eyes. They were desperate, but Lena just waited.

Stef knew this was coming - that Lena would make her ask for it. She had promised the choice would be Stef’s and she was honoring that. “Please,” was all she could manage.

Lena didn’t move. “Please what?”

For a moment, Stef didn’t understand the question. Did Lena want her to call her mistress or something kinky? Then she realized Lena was asking for instructions. 

“Please touch me.”

Lena couldn’t help but laugh. “Isn’t that what I’ve been doing for the past half an hour?”

Stef smiled in return. Lena was right - the benefit of knowing each other couldn’t be overstated. Though the evening had been something of a game, it wasn’t a performance. Neither was pretending to be someone or something they weren’t. It was okay to stop, to laugh - it didn’t kill the mood, it only made Stef feel closer to her wife. 

“Touch me where you haven’t yet, you vixen.”

And so Lena did. Continuing her perfect combination of mouth and hands, she touched Stef exactly how she knew she wanted it - no fumbling or teasing, just sure strokes and sucks until Stef came undone.

Stef pulled Lena up for a kiss. “I love you,” she breathed. “I’m afraid you may be the death of me this weekend, but I love you anyway.”

“You love me because of it and you know it,” Lena replied with a smirk.

“I do.”

Stef was afraid she’d fall asleep if she enjoyed being wrapped up in Lena for too long. There would be plenty of time for snuggling during the weekend. She rolled over onto Lena and kissed her deeply, rubbing their bodies together until she felt Lena’s nails dig into her shoulderblades. 

She followed a similar path as Lena had across her wife’s skin, but she moved more quickly and didn’t leave any place out. Not needing to pretend it was relaxing, Lena arched under Stef’s hands and didn’t remain silent.

Stef loved getting reaquainted with Lena’s body. It had been far too long since she had taken the time to explore, to focus on more than the obvious places. Lately, when they did have sex, it had been a direct path, goal-oriented, and while it was usually satisfying it wasn’t necessarily earth-shaking.

Just because she wasn’t purposefully teasing didn’t mean Stef wasn’t going to make Lena wait a bit. Rather than move things forward once she had enjoyed Lena’s front, she rolled Lena over to give the same treatment to her back. 

Remembering the game they used to play in their early years together, Stef traced letters onto Lena’s back.

I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U

She kissed Lena’s shouderblade and saw her wife smile. She thought of something else to write.

I-W-A-N-T-T-O

After finishing the phrase, Lena asked “Well, what are you waiting for?” Her voice was an octave lower than usual, and she pulled her knees underneath herself to encourage Stef.

Well, I guess we’re done with the foreplay. Stef ran her hands over Lena’s breasts, then moved into position. She entered Lena, the wetness surprising her, though she realized it shouldn’t have. 

Lena pushed back, and they set a rhythm, slow and deep. Stef used her free hand to the best of her ability but lamented she didn’t have at least one or two more to touch Lena everywhere she wanted.

“I wish we had our - you know, accessory - right about now,” she commented.

“We do,” was Lena’s reply.

“Are you serious?” Stef asked, trying to maintain her movements.

Lena looked over her shoulder. “We’re on a trip, the express purpose of which is for us to have lots of sex. You don’t think I packed accordingly?”

“You are a genius,” Stef breathed.

“It’s in my bag.”

Stef quickly retrieved it and the harness and resumed their encounter. She loved having both hands free, to play with Lena’s breasts and stroke her clit, or to grip Lena’s hips and thrust harder.

Having recently been - mostly - sated, she was able to focus on maximizing Lena’s pleasure. She listened to Lena’s sounds, paid attention to the way her body reacted, and tried to move her wife ever closer to the edge.

“Can you come like this?” Stef asked. Lena loved this position, but sometimes she needed something else to ultimately climax.

“I don’t know yet - but don’t stop,” Lena answered, caught up in the myriad sensations.

Stef redoubled her efforts, putting everything she had into her thrusts, focusing her fingers where Lena needed them most, and, not much later, it turned out Lena could indeed come like that.

“Wow,” was all Lena could manage, once she and Stef arranged themselves afterwards, her head on Stef’s shoulder. 

“That was amazing,” Stef agreed, pressing a kiss to Lena’s lips. 

“I love you. So much.” Lena didn’t have the words at the moment, but she hoped the depth of her feelings was conveyed.

“I love you too. Forever.”

*****  
The next morning, Stef awoke to find her hand held in Lena’s. She felt like they had fought a battle together and won. They couldn’t be separated - their bodies gravitated towards one another, even when they were unconscious. It gave Stef even more confidence, and it sent a wave of affection - and, yes, lust - running through her body.

She wanted to keep touching Lena. It was like the early days of being together, when they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. Stef smoothed the hair away from Lena’s face. She let her fingers drift across Lena’s cheek and down her still-bare shoulder. 

Before she could decide whether or not to continue exploring the skin underneath the covers, Lena’s eyes opened. 

“Good morning to me,” Lena smiled.

“It certainly can be,” Stef replied, pulling Lena closer and kissing her.

They made love languidly, but with intent. No teasing, just a steady path towards pleasure. Wanting to come as close to the same time as possible, Stef turned around, her mouth finding Lena’s center as Lena found hers. 

Afterwards, as they showered together, Lena thought about Stef’s observation that sex led to more intense feelings of closeness. If the past few hours were any indication, and if the next few hours went in a similar direction, Lena imagined they would continue to gross out their kids for weeks.

Banishing thoughts of anyone else from her mind, she refocused on Stef. Watching the water run down her wife’s body was mesmerizing. She looked up to find Stef looking at her intently.

“What is it?” she asked.

“You’re just so beautiful,” Stef breathed. “I can’t believe I have a wife this hot.”

Stef trailed her fingers up Lena’s arms and around her breasts.

Lena smiled. “The feeling is mutual.” She pulled Stef towards her, enjoying the sensation of their wet bodies pressing against each other.

Their kiss made Lena feel lightheaded. After months of tension and distance, being with Stef felt so easy and obvious. Lena hadn’t felt desire like this in years. She couldn’t bring herself to regret anything if it meant she and Stef ended up here, in this shower, naked and kissing.

“I want you again,” Stef murmured, when the kiss ended. “Is that insane?”

Lena’s head went back involuntarily, as Stef’s mouth closed over her breast.

“Mm, not insane at all. It just means this weekend is achieving exactly what it was intended to.”

“I’ve never loved your mother more,” Stef commented.

“You’d better put that mouth back to better use and not mention my mother if you want to get lucky again,” Lena admonished.

Stef laughed. “It’s not luck, babe, it’s talent.”

*****

After a day spent quite literally in bed, Lena was getting a little cabin fever. They still had another night away, so she figured they may as well get out and enjoy a nice dinner together.

“What do you want to eat?” she asked Stef as she got dressed.

Stef raised an eyebrow. “Really? You’re just walking into that one.”

Lena laughed. “For dinner, you insatiable perv.”

“Anything but sushi,” came Stef’s standard response.

They had a nice, romantic dinner at a little Thai restaurant. Sticking to their promise not to talk - too much - about the kids, they had the opportunity to explore topics they hadn’t in a long time. Stef listened intently as Lena shared her excitement about the grant Anchor Beach had received. Maybe it was the residual hormones running through her system, but Stef didn’t give Monte a second thought as they talked about Lena’s work. Lena had been right - as much as the emotional connection forged between them hurt Stef, Monte wasn’t the source of their relationship issues. As long as things were back to being professional, Stef was determined not to stay hung up on the Anchor Beach principal.

Stef didn’t mention Mike’s name once, instead talking about her plans to run a 10k race in a few weeks. She was feeling in better physical shape than she had in years. In addition, she had convinced Mariana that cardio training would help with her dance efforts, and the two of them had been running together the mornings she could get her daughter out of bed early enough. Stef loved the chance to talk one-on-one with Mariana, especially as she adjusted to having a relationship with her mother, grandparents, and baby sister. Lena loved seeing Stef enjoy bonding with Mariana and not having to focus on discipline. She was working harder to step up in that area so Stef wouldn’t have to literally be ‘bad cop’ all the time.

As dinner wound down, Lena wasn’t ready to go back to the hotel. She was feeling invigorated. “I want to go dancing,” she announced.

Stef wasn’t thrilled about the idea, but she didn’t reject it immediately, as she might have in the past. If this was something Lena wanted, she would give it a chance, just like she did in their early days of dating. This should be more fun than sushi.

“Let’s do it,” Stef agreed.

Lena looked surprised, but she didn’t comment. “There’s a lesbian club not too far from here, if Google is to be trusted.”

“Sounds fun.”

As they drove, they held hands and enjoyed the silence and the anticipation. They had only gone clubbing a handful of times in their twelve years together, but there was always something exciting about pretending to be alone in a crowd of couples. 

They laughed at the mandatory carding they received on their way into The Magenta Flamingo. Stef got them drinks - she needed a little liquid courage before braving the dance floor - and they people-watched while they sipped.

“Everyone looks twelve,” Stef commented.

“I know - it’s like seeing my students out there.”

“Are they really that young, or are we just old?” Stef asked with a sigh.

“Hey, no depressing observations on mortality tonight! Drink up - we’re going to boogie.”

Stef tossed back the last of her drink and took Lena’s hand. “Boogie? I think you just proved my point.”

They made their way to the edge of the dance floor - neither felt the need to be at the center of things - and began to move together. Stef figured if she just kept her hands on Lena and let Lena do her thing this wouldn’t be so bad. Lena really was ridiculously sexy, and Stef was happy to have a front row to her show.

Lena felt fantastic. There was something cathartic about letting loose with her body. It was like a physical release of the emotions she had struggled with the past few months. She could finally let go of the regrets she had clung to and look to the future with hope and excitement.

Not knowing anyone else there, and knowing it could be years before they did this again, Lena threw any inhibitions out the window and pulled Stef close. Legs intertwined, they moved against each other. Lena let her hands slide down to Stef’s ass and rest there. Raising an eyebrow at her wife, Stef decided she may as well go with it. She looped her arms around Lena’s neck and nibbled her ear.

Lena shivered. 

“You can’t possibly be cold on this hot dance floor,” Stef commented with a smirk.

Lena didn’t respond verbally - she just turned around in Stef’s arm and moved her wife’s hands to her own waist. Stef pressed herself against Lena’s back and moved Lena’s hair to one side. She may have been shorter, but she was still able to speak into Lena’s ear.

“Mm, this reminds me of last night. That was so hot.”

“You know it,” Lena looked over her shoulder with a wicked grin.

“We should do it again tonight.” Stef’s hands crept up Lena’s torso, staying just below her breasts.

“Yes,” Lena breathed.

“I want you so badly. I can’t keep my hands off of you.”

“You might need to or I’m going to have to drag you off to the bathroom to have my way with you,” Lena turned again to face Stef, their lips just millimeters from each other.

Stef let out a laugh and moved back a step. “Nope, can’t do it. Not even as a fantasy. I’m definitely too old - I can’t even think about having sex in a public bathroom. Not that I don’t crave your body desperately,” she said with a waggle of her eyebrows.

Lena laughed as well. “Let’s go get another drink and cool down. You may be a cop, but that’s not going to get you out of an indecent exposure charge if we get out of control on the dance floor. Or anyplace else.”

They were leaning against the end of the bar, fingers entwined, when one of the “twelve-year-olds” approached them.

“Please tell me she’s not here to ask us to fulfill her ‘cougar threesome’ fantasy,” Steff muttered, taking in the nose piercing, short blue hair, and visible tattoos.

Lena smacked Stef in the stomach and smiled at the young woman.

“Um, I know this is kind of weird, but you guys are super cute and I was just wondering how long you’ve been together.” Without pausing to take a breath, she kept talking. “Me and my girlfriend” - she indicated someone at the other end of the bar - “have been together for, like, a couple of months, but it totally feels like it’s forever, does that make sense? So how do you know if it’s right?”

Stef worked very hard not to roll her eyes and just waited for Lena to answer.

“Well, we’ve been together for over twelve years,” she started.

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the young woman interrupted. “Do you, like, have kids or anything? My girlfriend and I totally want kids.”

Stef decided it would be fun to jump in. “Actually, we have five.”

“Five! That’s incredible! You guys look fabulous!” she commented, looking them up and down.

It took Lena a moment to connect that last sentence. “Oh, only one of them is a biological child. We adopted the other four - well, we’re in the process of adopting the last one.”

Stef couldn’t wait to hear what adjective the young woman would use to describe that information.

“Oh my gosh, that’s fantastic! I can’t believe it. You guys must be saints. And you’re still here dancing all sexy with five kids at home. I so want to be like you when I grow up.”

Stef took a sip of her drink to keep from laughing. These whippersnappers should be so lucky.

“Well, they’re all teenagers, so it’s not like we’ve left a bunch of toddlers at home,” Lena shrugged.

“They’re all teenagers! How old are you guys?” The young woman looked astonished.

Stef choked, and Lena slapped her back. 

“So, did you want to know the secret to everlasting love?” Lena asked, her eyes narrowed in a way that Stef knew meant the kid was in trouble.

Stef couldn’t wait to hear what Lena had to say.

The young woman nodded. Lena leaned in. “Really hot sex. Like, really, really, sweaty hot sex.”

The young woman’s eyes went wide.

“We gotta go,” announced Stef, taking Lena by the hand.

“We’re off to have more hot, sweaty sex!” Lena called over her shoulder, with a wave.

*****

“Old, my ass,” Lena muttered as she thrust into Stef.

Stef’s last thought before she almost blacked out was that on second thought maybe that weird girl with the blue hair wasn’t so bad.

*****

“It seems like this weekend was good for you and Stef,” Dana commented to Lena as they sat together in the back yard.

Lena smiled. “Yes. It was exactly what we needed. Thanks again for coming down and making sure the kids didn’t have another window-breaking party.”

“We had fun. Your dad and I kept them in line.”

“I’m sure you did,” Lena laughed.

“How’s the grief counseling going?” Dana’s look of concern seemed genuine. Lena had been a little afraid to talk to her mother about it, knowing her history of judgement, but Dana had been nothing but supportive.

“So far so good. I’ve only had a couple of sessions, but it’s really helpful to talk to someone who’s not involved. Of course it’s good for Stef and me to talk about it, but the grief is both of ours, and it’s hard to feel that pain while wanting to take the pain away from the person you’re talking to. Does that make any sense?”

“Of course. That’s why people go to therapy - no interruptions from well-meaning people needing to share their side of things.”

Lena laughed at that description. “Stef might come in a couple of weeks, not for couples counseling, but so she can talk about Frankie too.”

“That’s great, Honey. I’m so glad things seem to be back on track for you. It’s been quite a year, hasn’t it?”

Lena thought about all that had happened. Stef was shot, a terrifying experience that was one of the lows of both of their lives. Then they got married - definitely one of the highs. Brandon got in trouble and got hurt; Mike struggled. Adopting Jude was wonderful, but Lena lamented all of the challenges Callie continued to endure. Mariana went through ups and downs with her mother, as did Jesus. Not to mention the accident that broke his foot and kept him out of wrestling for awhile. 

Then there was Frankie. For a few wonderful months, Lena was on track to have everything she ever wanted - a wife, five wonderful children, and one of her own on the way. Losing her had been devastating, and she was still sorting through the aftermath. But whatever had happened - through all she and Stef had both done - they still had each other. And their relationship hadn’t felt this solid in years. Considering walking away had made her realize how much she needed Stef.

“It has. Here’s hoping the next one will have a little less drama.” Lena knew it was a lot to hope, but she was confident she and Stef could get through whatever life threw at them.

*****

“It feels weird not to be on the beach on a Saturday evening,” Stef commented as she stood with Lena in the back yard.

“I promised you a barbequing of journals, and I keep my promises,” Lena replied. She looked down at the notebook in her hands. “You know, I ended up not writing in mine all that much.”

“Really? I would have thought you’d have filled it up.” Stef’s smile was genuine - they were okay now, and if it took Lena ranting about Stef in a journal to work through her feelings that was fine.

“I tried it, but it didn’t make me feel any better. Mostly, it seemed like I was just rationalizing my own bad behavior. I felt petty. We were working so hard in our beach sessions, and after a couple of weeks I just didn’t have the urge to vent anymore,” Lena explained.

“Wow. I didn’t think I’d use mine much, but it’s almost full.”

“Yeah?” Lena was interested to hear how the experience had been for Stef.

“At first I wrote about how mad and betrayed I felt, but somehow it pretty quickly turned to how sad I felt - about us, and about Frankie. It’s how I was able to understand my motivation for the bad choices I had made - everything came back to her, to hanging onto my family.”

“Do you really want to burn it if that’s what’s in there?” Lena asked.

Stef looked over at Frankie’s tree and thought for a moment. “As happy as I am about where we are now, it’s still terrifying to think about how close we came to a different outcome. This journal is a symbol of a hard time I don’t want to revisit. I have other ways to remember Frankie, and I want to focus on living up to the goals we’ve set for ourselves in the present, rather than thinking about how we got here. It was a tool, and it’s served its purpose.”

Lena couldn’t argue with that. “Ready, then?”

Stef laid her journal on the grill alongside Lena’s and struck a match. She wrapped an arm around Lena as they watched the paper burn.

“That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I'll never, no never, no never forsake,” Stef sang quietly.

“What’s that from?” Lena asked.

“The cheesy theme from our book kept reminding me of one of my favorite hymns.”

“You have a favorite hymn?” Lena was surprised.

“Until things went down with my dad in high school, I actually liked church. Anyway, the line is from ‘How Firm a Foundation,’” Stef answered with a smile.

“Of course.” Lena smiled back.

“Throughout all of this, all I knew is I couldn’t lose you. I believed we belong together.” Stef took a deep breath and let it out. It was good to officially close out this chapter of their lives. 

“This was really hard, but we’re stronger for it,” Stef continued. “Underneath it all, we share the same values. Family comes first for us, and if that’s our foundation, it’s one we can keep building on. The thing I’ve realized is that it’s important to include each other in that prioritization. I put the kids first, but I took you for granted. I won’t let that happen again.”

“And if you do, I’ll just yell ‘porcupine chowder’ and you’ll be so confused you’ll have to talk to me.” Lena squeezed Stef’s waist.

“Sounds reasonable,” Stef smiled. “What about you? Any final thoughts?”

Lena gazed at the embers of their journals. “I’ve made my peace with the past. I won’t let things I can’t change distract me from the amazing present I’m living in.” 

Stef turned to look at Lena. “But if those feelings do come up again, I want you to feel safe talking to me about them. I love you unconditionally, and I’m not scared of your ‘what ifs’. I just want to know what’s going on in your head, no matter what it is.”

“Fair enough.” Lena kissed Stef’s cheek.

“Now, I think we’d better grill those burgers or those kids are going to mutiny.” Stef turned to see all of their children congregated on the back porch, plates of condiments and hamburger patties in their hands.

“C’mon, guys! Time to cook!” Lena called.

“I still think our parents are total weirdos.” Stef and Lena overheard Mariana’s comment to Callie. “Who lights their journals on fire in the back yard?”

“And I still think you should appreciate having an intact family. I’ll take weird and still married over normal and divorced,” Callie replied.

Jesus piped up, “Are our burgers going to taste like paper? Because that sounds nasty.”

“Not if we use enough charcoal,” Brandon answered, dumping the bag into the grill.

“Hey, can I use the lighter fluid? And light the match?” Jude asked.

“When you exhibit pyromaniacal tendencies, I feel nervous because I don’t want the house to burn down,” Stef told him, ruffling his hair.

“See? Weirdos,” Mariana asserted.

“When you use six-syllable words, I feel hot and bothered because smart women are sexy,” Lena came up behind Stef and kissed her neck.

“Gross weirdos,” Jesus agreed.

“Everybody close your eyes,” Stef instructed. “Mama and I are going to kiss now, and I know how much that scars you all.”

The kids all clapped their hands over their eyes and faced the house, groaning about how disgusting their parents were.

Stef put her arms around Lena and managed a dip, despite the other woman being taller. She planted a kiss on Lena’s lips, then stood them back up.

“I love you,” she told her wife.

“Always,” Lena answered.

The End


End file.
